“Hi, Boss? Uh… I can’t come into work today. Why? Uh… I, uh. See. It’s this thing I have. No, I’m not sick. Well, it’s just that I’m feeling really frumpy this morning, and I think I need to stay home and de-frump. See, none of my clothes fit right this morning, and my bras are all suddenly too small, and then they squeeze my boobs too much and then, well, then it looks like I have four boobs, instead of only two. Four boobs! It’s awful, see? My other choice, I guess, is that I could wear a sports bra and a baggy t-shirt, but then we’re back to my original problem of feeling too frumpy to come to work.
Also, I have to wear sweat pants because my other pants are getting too tight and give me painful gas cramps and leave really angry red lines on my stomach, and if I wear sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt, I look like a slob, which is almost as embarrassing as having four boobs. And I bought these maternity, clothes, right? Only those are still too big, and they actually look a little worse than sweat pants, because they are supposed to look tailored, only they’re too big, so then it just looks like I had a tailor with a bad sense of humor working on them.
And plus I need a few hours to put away the pile of clothes on my floor that is the result of an enire morning's futile search to find somethingdammitanything that fits. Oh, yeah, and also, my nose is completely stuffed up and my hair absolutely will not curl. And, today is Friday and on Friday, there is an all you can eat pizza lunch buffet that starts at 11 and goes to 2, and I want to get there when it starts so I can make sure I get in on all three hours of the buffet. So, see, that’s why I need to stay home today, is that o.k.? Hello...? Boss?
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