By marching across that stage in May, I had hoped to leave the stress of grad school far behind. With each passing day, my white knuckle grip on everything slowly loosens, my breathing becomes steadier, deeper, freer. I am adapting to the idea that I still do not have any papers due, still do not have any presentations to prepare for class, still do not have heaps of reading to do. I occassionally get a little riled up at the thought of spending an entire evening away from home because oh my god, I can’t, I have too much homework…
No, wait. I don’t do homework anymore.
Huh. I guess I could go visit that friend/ take that walk/call my parents/watch that movie/go to bed, afterall. In short, it’s been a sort of abstract dread that materializes periodically, but one that I can invariably put in check with a healthy dose of reality.
For the past few months, lingering thoughts of grad school and the havoc it created have merely been the boogeyman. Content to pop out of my closet and scare the shit out of me only occasionally since May (Boo! You have a test tomorrow! And you don’t even know what class it’s for!)
Now it is Godzilla.
It has reappeared, for good, to sit at my dining room table for the next ten or fifteen years and squeeze me, at regular intervals, until my eyes bulge. Big, ugly and with bad teeth, it has taken up permanent residence in my conscious thought and in my checkbook.
Today, the student loan officer came knocking, and he wants a monthly payment that is roughly equivalent to our monthly grocery budget. Despite my inclination to tell him to piss off, I’ll need to calmly and professionally talk to these folks about other payment options. Because, hah! I work at a nonprofit! Hah! No raise this year! Hah! No raise last year! NO raise for the foreseeable future! Hah! The job market sucks rocks! Hah! I won’t be getting a better gig for the foreseeable future! Hah! Hah, hah? Er… ahem. (Uneasy shuffle of papers and smoothing my pant legs).
Guess we’ll be eating a whole lot of beans from now on. Anyone got any good recipes to share?
Ugh, I hope you are able to work something out. I remember getting my repayment schedule, it came the day before xmas. Who does that? On the bright side, it's soup season, and soup is the ultimate cheap food. Some homemade stock, veggies from the garden, the possibilities are endless. -Teresa
ReplyDeleteWell, you know, don't knock it... Sallie Mae (sister to Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae) has been part of my life since 1992. We're going on 17 years now - I guess you could call that a long term relationship. When I wanted to go to grad school, she was very encouraging even offering to suspend my payments, and fronting my tuition. She believed in me!!! No matter where I move to, or how often my phone number changes, her people always manage to keep track of me. It makes me feel very special...
ReplyDeleteSallie Mae is a slut... -Michelle T
ReplyDeleteFor a slut, she sure is possessive.
ReplyDelete