I know I have been out of touch for a month, but that hasn’t stopped the deluge of fan mail I get from my thousands (hundreds? O.k., dozens) of readers from reaching me. I read all of it and though I can’t respond personally to each and every one of my readers, I think it is time that I respond to some of the more commonly asked questions. (Some of these may or may not be actual reader questions. Some of my responses may or may not be complete and utter nonsense.)
Anonymous: Um...has anything been going on since July 24th?
MG: Jack pooped all over my shorts yesterday and Kodiak horked something greenish on the carpet near the sliding glass door. Overall, I’d say it has been a pretty productive month.
Melody Yap: Can I know what song is this ?
MG: Melody, I would love to be able to tell you, but I don’t know. I only know it as the la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la la song. My awesome mother-in-law made the video. I would like to promise you that I will ask her when I see her in a few days, but I have already forgotten what this sentence was about.
Anonymous: Um, is that Jay making espresso? I don't mean to pry, but isn't he a bit young??
MG: Dude. Psssshh. And also, No. And when we get him good and trained we’ll force him to open a kiddie espresso stand in the front yard and sell it to passersby to help pay for those new kindergarten school supplies. Elmer’s glue don’t come cheap there, Anonymous.
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MG: Hmmmm, good question, HoneyHiring. But really when you think about it, I think you’ll agree that Bounty paper towels are the quicker picker upper.
Anonymous: Is it true that you climbed Mount Everest wearing a kitten costume and playing the clarinet last year?
MG: Twice. Although it was a cold weather grade kitten costume.
Anonymous: O.k., that was a nonsense answer.
MG: That wasn’t a question. You have to ask a question. Read the part above where I talk about responding to reader’s questions.
Anonymous: O.k, that was a nonsense answer?
MG: Wait. You still didn’t ask a question. In a question, your voice is supposed to raise a *little* at the end. You didn’t do that. You just swapped out the period for a question mark.
Anonymous: ?
MG: …………….?
Anonymous: ??
MG: O.k., that was just sassy.
Other Anonymous: You have three young kids and a busy schedule. How do you manage it all and stay sane, beautiful and vivacious?
Anonymous: Hey wait, Missy wrote that question. That wasn’t a real reader’s question.
Other Anonymous: Yes it was!
Anonymous: That was just Missy using a high pitched voice and putting her hand over her mouth to make it sound like it was coming from somewhere else.
MG: Well, Other Anonymous, I am glad you asked. I couldn’t do it without (insert product name here- this space available for your product today for the low, low price of only $399 a day). I love (insert product name here) because it makes my hair shiny, my boobs perkier and my feet smaller. No matter what tomorrow brings, I know I can depend on (insert product name here) to carry me through the day with confidence and bowel regularity!
Well, that’s all the questions we have time for today, folks! Feel free to send more in for another riveting mass response post next month!
Other stuff:
We are all doing fine, having returned from a three and a half week trip down to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Florida (which is why I haven’t written. Because they didn’t have internet access. Bet you feel real guilty for being pushy about me not posting, don'cha now, Anonymous?)
Jack is super awesome and still squishy and soft. I’d post pictures, but that does involve me putting him down.
A huge shout out to our friends Becca and Julio who just had a beautiful little girl, Amalia Susan, yesterday. Congrats guys!
Ella turned three while we were in Florida. Our attempts to shield her from princess-mania have proven futile.We partied in full on pink princess style.
Kindergarten starts next week. Blargh and yes! And also yikes and OMG and woohoo and boohoo and every other possible mixed up emotion I can feel and attempt to convey via a keyboard.
I explained to Jay that he could have anything he wanted for dinner on the first day of kindergarten. Anything at all.
Jay: Could I have a bowl of yogurt?
Me: Yeah, but, you could have anything you want for dinner. Anything. Whatever you want. This is a celebration dinner!
Jay: (contemplating) ... Could I have THREE bowls of yogurt?
…And I’m spent.
Guilty? No, never !! Don't YOU feel guilty for not telling your faithful readers that you were going to leave your house empty for 3.5 weeks to drive to Florida with 3 kids (you ARE insane)to visit grandma and grandpa. I don't believe that you had no internet access either. You were probably just having fun with your family, making up stories about the origins of boogers and the different ways that you can use them to clean everyday household items. I know you people......
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7pvy37XaRw
ReplyDeleteheres the link with the song title and artist for that la la la la la la song
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteYes, we did drive to Florida with three kids (dear god, is that how many we have now? ) and yes, we did visit grandma and grandpa with no internet access (because they are hard core like that… and maybe also because their internet had yet to be hooked up) but no, we did not talk about the multitudinous uses of boogers, because boogers serve only one purpose: boogers are energy food for busy, on-the-go toddlers. How would I know if boogers make good cleaning agents? They never make it passed the mouth. They’re like mother nature’s Power Bars. Every parent knows that.