Things I am thinking about right now, in no particular order:

Things I am thinking about right now, in no particular order:

Breakfast.  Lunch.  Eyeliner- why does it always run? Discuss.  A broken washing machine.  The start of school.  That PTA thing I am supposed to get done.  Man’s own mortality.  Jackers McJackJack, the two front-toothed toddling cutie patootie booty.  How do you spell patootie?  Nursing.  Co-sleeping.  Knitting.  Remember that?  

In a glaring example of my overachieverness, I have taken on way more than I can chew at work, by taking on an additional consulting gig on top of leading my organization.  Because hey, what the hell, I am sure I can cram even more work into an eight hour day and still come home and be fully present with the kids and be a super cool mom who demonstrates healthy lifestyle choices and reads to them every night and never ever longs for a moment to herself.

Isn’t it funny how much trouble we have saying no to things?  By “we” I really mean “me.” If someone needs my help, I go through extraordinary efforts to be there.  If I see a need, I step in to fill that space.  It pains me to think that I can’t be all things to all people and that sometimes I just have to let things go, even if it means that it won’t get done.  Or that it won’t get done well (Egads, the horror!). 

I read somewhere that the state of our constant busyness is akin to practicing self violence.  That really spoke to me.  Are we being kind to ourselves when we are maxed out, running at full speed from one event to the next, our minds always on the next item on our to-do list?  A quick review of my blog entries reveal that I struggle with this.  I struggle with the pull of wanting to help others and to volunteer for everything and the need to succeed and to achieve great things.  I struggle with how that unbelievably strong pull is in extreme dissonance with my urge to simplify, simplify, simplify and to maintain balance.  My meditation and mindfulness practice helps a lot with this. It helps me recognize my habits and to notice when I am mechanically taking on projects simply because I have been asked, rather than basing the decision on whether I should or want to. 

Sometimes, when I am quiet and still, I can hear my inner voice say, “walk away from this one,” or “let someone else take the lead on this.” Sometimes, I even listen. 

The fact is, I hate being that harried friend who never has time to do fun stuff with girlfriends.  I hate being that busy daughter who can’t find a good time for a long phone call with my parents (does anyone else hear “Cats in the Cradle” playing?  Is that just me?) I hate being that wife that is always strung out and too distracted for a real conversation and I hate being that mom that feels pulled in too many directions to fully engage.  And yet, here I am. 

In recent weeks I’ve practiced saying “no” or at least, “not right now.”  It’s tough.  I worry that I am letting people down and that they won’t like me anymore.  I am learning to sit with that fear and sit with my feelings of discomfort around that.  When I do, I find that usually those feelings dissipate and I am no worse for the wear.  Not always and not always right away.  Depending on the size of the task I’ve been asked to volunteer for, sometimes I have to come back again and again and sit with those feelings of discomfort.  

After a while, I’ve begun to wonder if the reason I have taken on so much in my life is because I was afraid of these feelings of discomfort.  A fear of uncomfortable feelings is wholly different from actively wanting to help on a project I’d been approached about.  But there it is.  As I have worked through my feelings, I’ve realized that simply sitting with and feeling uncomfortable things is often so much better than living in fear of them.  It has helped me to better understand where I want to put my energy and where perhaps I should demure.  But of course, I still actively struggle with it.  I wonder if I am doing enough and whether it is good enough.  

I guess we all do. 

I’ll close out this entry as randomly as I started it.  Things I’ve learned this week:

§         Baking soda on a carpet freshens up a carpet.  But use a vacuum on too much baking soda on a carpet?  Dead. 

§         Cloth diapers are great.  But cloth diapers must be rinsed thoroughly before being thrown in the washing machine.  Because lots of solid material put into the washing machine equals lots of solid material clinging to the side of the wash basin.  I’ve never seen cleaner grape skins, though.   

§         Finally, American Robins carry bird poop in their mouths. They call them fecal sacs and they do this to keep their nest clean.  I got this last bit from a book I read to the kids last night called, “Nature’s Yucky.”  Good book.  I have never smelled a robin’s breath, but I probably will avoid kissing them in the future now that I know this. 

That is all.  Now I am going to give my mom a call.  I’ll have to ask her how she took care of diapers, because I ma not impressed with the robin's approach.