Happy Mother’s Day

First of all, is it “Mother’s Day” or “Mothers Day” or “Mothers’ Day”? Plural possessive, right? Because it seems to me that it is a day possessed by mothers but there are a lot of us, so I think that means the apostrophe should go at the end, but then again, maybe we don’t own it, because, really, can you possess a day, or any length of time for that matter? Isn’t that like trying to own a gas molecule or a sunrise or an isosceles triangle? Screw it. I’ll just go consult a Hallmark card and we can move on.

Second of all, how did three weeks go by without a single post, because, seriously, I meant to. I mean, really, what the hell? I have been busy growing my belly, simultaneously feeling too large to move and worrying that I am not growing fast enough. I am eating too much sugar! The baby will be diabetic! No! I am not eating enough sugar! I need to gain more weight! Give me that stick of butter and a spoon! Too much working out! I need to take it easy and let this baby grow! No, not enough working out! I need to get exercise or I’ll go crazy! More rest! I need more rest! No, more cleaning! This carpet must get steam vac’d RIGHT NOW!
Probably it is best I haven’t posted for the last three weeks. You haven’t missed much.

Except that Jay toured his kindergarten class this week (sniffle). He was positively exuberant. I was a complete wreck. He went from classroom to classroom, interviewing the teachers. Which classroom has a train? What kind of snacks do you serve? What books will we read? I tried hard not to let my chin tremble as he coolly assessed each room and looked so… so much a kindergartener. I mean really. When the hell did that happen? Who let that happen? They didn’t consult me, that’s for sure.

The garden is open and we have garlic, strawberries and asparagus showing us that winter didn’t completely kick our ass. It only feels that way to our pasty, freezer burned, shell-shocked selves. We had two feet above average snow fall this winter. The sun is rumored to still exist, but I have yet to see the evidence with my own eyes. I need temperatures that start with the letter “S” and I need some humidity or things are going to get ugly soon.

Jay and I made doughnuts from scratch this morning. It was his first doughnut ever. I tried to convince him that only I have the recipe for these magical little cakes. Once he learns to read and we pass a Krispy Kreme for the first time, though, the jig is up. Then I’ll have to act all indignant, like, “What the HECK? How did they get my super top-secret recipe? Ah well, I’m sure they are HORRIBLE imitations. Blech, gross, and also, ick.”

Let's see. What else? Ella is potty-training. Sort of, ish. Mostly I am swearing NOT TO BUY ANOTHER PACKAGE OF DIAPERS, anymore, at all, no way, nu-uh. All the while looking directly at her and telling Daddy that we have to save the rest of the diapers for the baby, because Ella is a big girl now and she has to wear big girl underwear. Ella just shrugs, stips off her wet diaper and tells us to save it for the baby. Then she grabs a fresh one. I guess we have taught her a little too well how important it is to reuse...

It’s Friday afternoon

And I am waiting for a program to install on my computer, so I figure it might be a good time to snap out a quick update to the blog. Hey, the LAST time I posted was on Friday. I wonder if there is a relationship there? I'll run a bivariate analysis and let you know next Friday. In the meantime, here is a bullet pointed list of what’s been happening:

• I went to see my doctor today to get tested for asthma.

• I can not spell asthma, but have been rescued by the ever diligent and well intentioned spell checker. Turns out there is no ass in asthma. It only feels like mah ass is about to collapse.

• I have finished every single one of my runs for the last several weeks in a wheezy, winded kind of a way. This is an embarrassing display of weak sauce that I do not like others to know about. But I am posting it on my blog because… hmmm. I do not know. That’s enough of that.

• Ella pooped in the potty chair yesterday. We were all, “Yay! What a big girl! Is this the beginning of potty training?” And also, “Oh, what happened to my little BAAAAAAAAAAAABY?!”

• Then she pooped on the carpet and on my Lands End tote bag. And we concluded that it was just a big day for pooping and the potty was probably just in the way.

• Jay did not break a single thing today. That I know of. Yet.

• We got into our community garden plot for the first time two days ago. We have already planted a few black raspberries and strawberry plants, broccoli, kale, and of course, the beloved brussel sprouts, which will have a cage around them this year, because, well, you know.

• Jay informed me the other day that he'd like to learn how to stop peeing, because it takes so much time. Huh. I guess that would be a time saver.

• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re done. Photoshop has finally finished installing and now I can start making fake pictures of people doing objectionable things and post them all over the internet. Or just remove some red eye.

• Tis the weekend, and I am heading out. Tomorrow is a two hour yogathon, which I figure I can get through wheezing or otherwise.• Have a good weekend!

A Post About Poop and Rug Burn

What is it about your kid learning how to poop in a toilet that makes you feel like you rock to the enth degree? Jay is now regularly using the toilet (with a seat adjustment because he is terrified of falling in), and this is BIG news in our world. Economy, schenonomy, our kid POOPS IN THE TOILET for goodness sake. As in, flush it down, go away, bye-bye poops, no more diapers, no more wash cloths, no more well… you get the idea.

We are the MAN.

Yes, I know. We will probably have a few relapses. Yes, I know accidents happen. (they... uh.. *cough* still happen to me…sometimes). BUT, last night, he woke me up to help him get to the bathroom to pee. He woke up to pee. HE WOKE UP TO PEE!!!!! Again with the big news in our world.

Ella, however, remains resistant to potty training. At six months, she continues to be stubbornly married to her diapers, even though we offered her painfully cute pink frilly underwear. In response to our offer she blew a raspberry and drooled on Chris’ head.

But, she is mere seconds away from crawling. She scoots and twirls and rolls and scooches, but so far, no organized crawling has occurred. She sort of has the idea, but hasn’t quite got it down. Right now she gets on to all fours, rocks back and forth, and then drags her face along the carpet. Then she looks up at me all surprised, like what “the eff, this crawling thing SUCKS, Mom”.

Ah… rug burn on the forehead.

And now for the joke of the day:

Two women are having a conversation about the upcoming birthday for one of them.
Woman #1: What do you think your husband will get you for your birthday?
Woman #2: Well, he'll send roses, that's a given.
Woman #1: You don't like roses?
Woman #2: It's not that. He just has certain 'expectations' when he sends roses, and I don't feel like being on my back for the next three days with my legs in the air.
Woman #1: Don't you have a vase?