A post in which I answer fan mail and say other stuff, too

I know I have been out of touch for a month, but that hasn’t stopped the deluge of fan mail I get from my thousands (hundreds? O.k., dozens) of readers from reaching me. I read all of it and though I can’t respond personally to each and every one of my readers, I think it is time that I respond to some of the more commonly asked questions. (Some of these may or may not be actual reader questions. Some of my responses may or may not be complete and utter nonsense.)

Anonymous: Um...has anything been going on since July 24th?

MG: Jack pooped all over my shorts yesterday and Kodiak horked something greenish on the carpet near the sliding glass door. Overall, I’d say it has been a pretty productive month.

Melody Yap: Can I know what song is this ?

MG: Melody, I would love to be able to tell you, but I don’t know. I only know it as the la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la la song. My awesome mother-in-law made the video. I would like to promise you that I will ask her when I see her in a few days, but I have already forgotten what this sentence was about.

Anonymous: Um, is that Jay making espresso? I don't mean to pry, but isn't he a bit young??

MG: Dude. Psssshh. And also, No. And when we get him good and trained we’ll force him to open a kiddie espresso stand in the front yard and sell it to passersby to help pay for those new kindergarten school supplies. Elmer’s glue don’t come cheap there, Anonymous.

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MG: Hmmmm, good question, HoneyHiring. But really when you think about it, I think you’ll agree that Bounty paper towels are the quicker picker upper.

Anonymous: Is it true that you climbed Mount Everest wearing a kitten costume and playing the clarinet last year?

MG: Twice. Although it was a cold weather grade kitten costume.

Anonymous: O.k., that was a nonsense answer.

MG: That wasn’t a question. You have to ask a question. Read the part above where I talk about responding to reader’s questions.

Anonymous: O.k, that was a nonsense answer?

MG: Wait. You still didn’t ask a question. In a question, your voice is supposed to raise a *little* at the end. You didn’t do that. You just swapped out the period for a question mark.

Anonymous: ?

MG: …………….?

Anonymous: ??

MG: O.k., that was just sassy.

Other Anonymous: You have three young kids and a busy schedule. How do you manage it all and stay sane, beautiful and vivacious?

Anonymous: Hey wait, Missy wrote that question. That wasn’t a real reader’s question.

Other Anonymous: Yes it was!

Anonymous: That was just Missy using a high pitched voice and putting her hand over her mouth to make it sound like it was coming from somewhere else.

MG: Well, Other Anonymous, I am glad you asked. I couldn’t do it without (insert product name here- this space available for your product today for the low, low price of only $399 a day). I love (insert product name here) because it makes my hair shiny, my boobs perkier and my feet smaller. No matter what tomorrow brings, I know I can depend on (insert product name here) to carry me through the day with confidence and bowel regularity!

Well, that’s all the questions we have time for today, folks! Feel free to send more in for another riveting mass response post next month!

Other stuff:

We are all doing fine, having returned from a three and a half week trip down to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Florida (which is why I haven’t written. Because they didn’t have internet access. Bet you feel real guilty for being pushy about me not posting, don'cha now, Anonymous?)

Jack is super awesome and still squishy and soft. I’d post pictures, but that does involve me putting him down.

A huge shout out to our friends Becca and Julio who just had a beautiful little girl, Amalia Susan, yesterday. Congrats guys!

Ella turned three while we were in Florida. Our attempts to shield her from princess-mania have proven futile.We partied in full on pink princess style.

Kindergarten starts next week. Blargh and yes! And also yikes and OMG and woohoo and boohoo and every other possible mixed up emotion I can feel and attempt to convey via a keyboard.

I explained to Jay that he could have anything he wanted for dinner on the first day of kindergarten. Anything at all.

Jay: Could I have a bowl of yogurt?

Me: Yeah, but, you could have anything you want for dinner. Anything. Whatever you want. This is a celebration dinner!

Jay: (contemplating) ... Could I have THREE bowls of yogurt?

…And I’m spent.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww........

From Slate:

German "Cannibal" Restaurant Requests Body-Part Donations

Politicians aren't sure if it's a tasteless stunt or simply a bad idea, but either way, a soon-to-open Berlin restaurant has attracted attention by implying that human meat will be on the menu. The restaurant, Flimé, has taken out ads in German papers calling for "members" to "donate" whatever body parts they like, provided they submit medical records. "Flimé only covers the costs for hospitalization," an ad on the website informs interested parties, adding, "the designated use of the donated body part is free to Flimé." Elsewhere on the site, proprietors say that they're looking to hire an "open-minded surgeon." The campaign has sparked outrage in Berlin, where the vice-chairman of the Christian Democrat Party recently denounced it in the press. "I'm working on the assumption that this is some sort of a warped joke," Michael Braun told a local paper. "But it's disgusting, not least because it wasn't long ago that we had the case of the Berliner who was murdered by a cannibal." Speaking to Der Spiegel, Flimé spokesmen insist that the restaurant is not a hoax, citing the Brazilian Waricaca tribe as inspiration for the so-called "Wari cuisine." According to the Guardian, the tribe "once practiced the ritual of 'compassionate cannibalism,' or eating parts of the corpse of a loved one to emphasize the connection between the living and the dead."

Read original story in Der Spiegel

Just to prove my point

I had to post immediately after my last post. Mostly to tell you to go check out those puppies.

They are funnier than I am.

Also, less whiny and way more predictable. Like that little white one. He always bites the crap out of his brother's ear. I am never sure when I'll do that.

It’s Friday afternoon

And I am waiting for a program to install on my computer, so I figure it might be a good time to snap out a quick update to the blog. Hey, the LAST time I posted was on Friday. I wonder if there is a relationship there? I'll run a bivariate analysis and let you know next Friday. In the meantime, here is a bullet pointed list of what’s been happening:

• I went to see my doctor today to get tested for asthma.

• I can not spell asthma, but have been rescued by the ever diligent and well intentioned spell checker. Turns out there is no ass in asthma. It only feels like mah ass is about to collapse.

• I have finished every single one of my runs for the last several weeks in a wheezy, winded kind of a way. This is an embarrassing display of weak sauce that I do not like others to know about. But I am posting it on my blog because… hmmm. I do not know. That’s enough of that.

• Ella pooped in the potty chair yesterday. We were all, “Yay! What a big girl! Is this the beginning of potty training?” And also, “Oh, what happened to my little BAAAAAAAAAAAABY?!”

• Then she pooped on the carpet and on my Lands End tote bag. And we concluded that it was just a big day for pooping and the potty was probably just in the way.

• Jay did not break a single thing today. That I know of. Yet.

• We got into our community garden plot for the first time two days ago. We have already planted a few black raspberries and strawberry plants, broccoli, kale, and of course, the beloved brussel sprouts, which will have a cage around them this year, because, well, you know.

• Jay informed me the other day that he'd like to learn how to stop peeing, because it takes so much time. Huh. I guess that would be a time saver.

• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re done. Photoshop has finally finished installing and now I can start making fake pictures of people doing objectionable things and post them all over the internet. Or just remove some red eye.

• Tis the weekend, and I am heading out. Tomorrow is a two hour yogathon, which I figure I can get through wheezing or otherwise.• Have a good weekend!

Dear FaceBook,

Stop sucking me in to look for people I didn't really know or like in high school. It's annoying. And creepy.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear coworker who follows me to the bathroom to talk,

Please don’t.

It’s weird.

Thanks,
Me

Does my throat look swollen and patchy to you?

I used up all of my writing skills and brain cells on school work. So instead I will share pictures with you and give you a bullet pointed list of my life this past week.

• Jay has Strep throat
• Strep throat = I hate life
• Let me tell you something. A three year old with Strep throat is like the devil himself coming to live with you. And crawling into bed with you. And breathing his little devil strep throat germs directly into your face. Oh God. My throat hurts.
• No really, it hurts. Damn it.
• Hey, take a look at my throat. Does it look all swollen and patchy? Does it? Because it FEELS swollen and patchy. DAMN IT.
• Do I have a fever? Because I think I have a fever. Do I feel warm to you? I bet I feel warm.
• I think I am going to lay down now.
• Also, Chris has an ear infection and Ella’s first tooth is popping out. I found it today as she rammed my fingers into her mouth and mawed on them as if I had covered them in hollandaise sauce.
• I do not know what hollandaise sauce is.
• I think it is like a cheese sauce and you pour it over rabbit.
• I think you cook the rabbit first.
• O.k., enough with the bullet points, since obviously I don’t know how to use them.

Week in review. Sick, sick, work, work, study, study, WTF how is it the weekend already I haven’t updated my blog yet, it can’t be the weekend already, I need to update my blog and I have to do it before the weekend otherwise no one will ever come back to my blog because they will think I am dead or I hate them and, and, and, waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

• Back to bullet points because I am less prone to wild emo run-on sentences when I use them, even if I use them incorrectly, kind of like those people who put things in quotation marks arbitrarily as if they are for emphasis, but they are totally “not” and gawd, does THAT drive me nuts, oh looky. Another run on sentence.
• Whoops.
• Bullet points are “not” very helpful for preventing run-on sentences.
• Does my throat look swollen and patchy to you?
• I am going to lay down.
• Enjoy the pictures.
• They have been loaded at random, and may even include pictures of Ella’s birth. Or mine.
• But, seriously. Does my throat look swollen and patchy to you?

From Jay's Birthday Weekend...

Exploring the farm:

Sofie:


A tractor ride:

Thinking... or pooping?

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen...

Jay, Sofie and Mrs. Schultz on the farm:


I present you: Roscoe. The Smartest Dog Ever. Ever. Dude. Seriously.

Jay's birthday cake:


Sofie running away from the camera:


Sheep on the Schultz Farm:

Second birthday celebration...

And today we went to MapleFest. Because nothing is more than fun than taking a sick three year old to a crowded, cold, outdoor festival. Heh.

Hmmmmm...It actually could have been more fun, now that I think about it.

Anyway, we watched it go from this:



Into these:

Then turn into this:

Waiting in line for maple syrup ice cream sundaes (good for strep throat).

Ella: Mom, I told you we should have left him at home... Can I have his ice cream?


The recipe (should you have many, many sugar maple trees and also the time to watch over the process twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for about, oh... five freaking weeks):

Live from the Planet Xorax!

Just a quick post today because I realized that I haven’t posted in a while and it defeats the purpose if I don’t actually update the blog from time to time. A self updating blog would be nice.

Actually, that would be creepy.

Then everyone would know that sometimes I eat chocolate cake for lunch at my desk instead of going for a run, or that I let Jay watch Elmo on the computer instead of reading him books while I nurse Ella, or that when its yellow I let it mellow, or that I am actually a three headed alien from the planet of Xorax doing a reality show on Earth called the Real, REAL world, which is HUGE back home.

Anyway, here is a quick update. I:

-Am still here
-Am still cold
-Still have two kids, two dogs, one husband and a coffee habit
-Still in school (oh my god, oh my god, oh my god). School started last week and I realized I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over my head. Breathe. It’s the last semester. Breathe. I can get through this. Breathe. Hurl.
-Am still working. At a job. That makes money. For now.
-Am planning on running the Madison half marathon in May with Rosie (and…Jimmy? Kathy? …. Buehler?)

That’s all for now. Next time: Pictures! Complaints about the ass freezing cold! Stories from the planet Xorax! And other such nonsense! Stay tuned.

I. Love. This. Woman.

Christy Langheim has taken our family photos several times now, and I never cease to be impressed with her work. Outstanding. So, I am unabashedly putting in a plug for her, because, seriously, I heart her. Check out her work with us and others at her website. Then book her.

In other news, we're down to one paper to get in and looking at getting up to twelve inches of snow tomorrow night. Those have nothing to do with eachother except that they are both numbers. Also, eight ounces to a cup. Apple, peanut brittle, Thomas the Tank Engine, microwave, purple. I am now out of words.

Goodnight.

Why do I need this?

Ella and I took a break from the books this afternoon and headed out for a run. On the way home, I saw this:

My land, isn't it beautiful? Folks, it compelled me. Pleaded with me. Carressed my soul. Maybe not so much that. Anyway, I snatched it up from the side of the dumpster and whisked it upstairs. I do not know why I love it. I do not know what to do with it. I do not know what IS it.

But it called to me.

Much like some people can not pass up a stray puppy, I can not pass up a good piece of oak. Orphaned walnut pulls on my heart strings. I brake for abandoned cherry.

Maybe I was a termite in a former life?

But oh, isn't it lovely? And someone was just going to throw it away. What kind of people would do such a thing?