Fever, day three

You know how some days, you’re pumped up and ready to take on the world, and some days you wonder if it is possible to get any flatter after you’ve been run over by the Mack truck of life? It’s been one of those days. Flattened. Smashed. Run down.

Funding for my kind of work has been dwindling for years and we are at a point where things are looking pretty grim. Profoundly grim. Mostly I can maintain a smile and a cavalier attitude, optimistic that something will come through, some funder will open up their bill fold, some partnership will open a new door, something, something will come along. We’ve been around for 25 years. Something will come through… right? Right?

But other days are darker. On those days I spend time worrying about my family’s personal finances and whether we will ever get out of this freaking two bedroom condo and into a house with a yard for the kids and a vegetable garden for me to wiggle my toes in the dirt. I think about all the change I want to make and all the good I want to do, this searing desire to make the world, starting with my community, a better place… and weigh it against health insurance and saving up for college tuition. I wonder if I really can make a go of the nonprofit sector and how many more sacrifices I will have to make to stay here.

I don’t always feel dismal about the nonprofit sector. I am proud to work in the environmental movement, proud that I am part of something bigger that is working to protect our world, our resources for our kids and their kids and their kids. It is why most days I am pumped up and ready to take on the world, giving knuckle bumps to the sky and feeling like there is so much to do! And I want to help! Right now!

But today, my seven minutes of blogging caught me at a dark moment, worried about my organization that I care so deeply for, worried about my mortgage and health insurance and all the stuff grown ups have to care about. And I find myself wondering when the real grown up in my life will come along and fix it all. I’ll wait! I’ll just stand right here and wait. I just need a grown up.

My mind races to extremes. I think about how if we have to close our doors at my organization, I’ll never be able to find another job. Just never. We’ll have to live under a bridge and eat road kill for dinner. We’ll have to make the kid’s bedrooms out of refrigerator boxes and duct tape and our phone will be a plastic cup connected with string running between our boxes. I’ll be forced to collect cans on the side of the road for diaper money. Jay will learn to hustle people for money and Ella will head up a street gang.

To be fair, this is also me on very little sleep and we are now on day three of a 103 fever and a very unhappy, lethargic Jack. Everything seems worse when you’re tired. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Today’s dilemmas

Sorry, folks, it's late in the day, my brain is frazzled and my creative energy is tapped out. This is the best of what's left. (Have I sufficiently lowered your expectations? Good. Let's begin.)

Today’s dilemmas
Go to the gym over the lunch hour (No.)
OR
Stuff potato chips into my mouth while I read over grant reports and obsess over how we are going to make payroll at the end of the year? (Yes.)

Leave the office at a reasonable time (No.)
OR
Get sucked into sending out that one last email, no wait, one more, gahhhh, I have to reply to this person before I leave, and… wait. How is it dark outside? (Yes.)

Buy myself a cup of coffee from across the street and enjoy much needed fresh air on the way there (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.)
OR
Sit at my desk, desperately NEEDING a cup of coffee but not allowing myself to get up until every last thing on my to-do list is done, meanwhile becoming increasingly pissy about the fact that I am too swamped to get a cup of coffee, and stewing about it for a while before realizing that I could have just gotten up and bought the damn cup of coffee in the time it took me to worry/seethe about my workload. (Why, yes, actually.)

Take a deep breath (Ha! No. What are your crazy? I don't have time for that crap.)
OR
Become so absorbed in my thoughts and work that I forget to breathe for long stretches of time until my head hurts and I am generally ornery? (Yes indeedy.)

O.k. you get it. I am a little crazed at the moment. Wish I could say I did any of the first options on the above list today. Instead I am wiping potato chip grease off of my keyboard and reaching for the Tylenol.

In an attempt to end on a positive note, I will list five things that made me happy today:

1) The baby is kicking
2) Chris is making dinner
3) Potato chip grease comes off relatively easy (from the keyboard, not my waist)
4) I didn’t inhale my weight in chocolate this afternoon. (Only because I didn’t have any chocolate at my desk and getting hold of any would have involved actually, like, getting up and stuff.)
5) I do not have a number five yet. Wait, did I just say that NO chocolate was something that made me HAPPY? Now you see that stress makes people hallucinate. Bring on the chocolate.

It’s Friday afternoon

And I am waiting for a program to install on my computer, so I figure it might be a good time to snap out a quick update to the blog. Hey, the LAST time I posted was on Friday. I wonder if there is a relationship there? I'll run a bivariate analysis and let you know next Friday. In the meantime, here is a bullet pointed list of what’s been happening:

• I went to see my doctor today to get tested for asthma.

• I can not spell asthma, but have been rescued by the ever diligent and well intentioned spell checker. Turns out there is no ass in asthma. It only feels like mah ass is about to collapse.

• I have finished every single one of my runs for the last several weeks in a wheezy, winded kind of a way. This is an embarrassing display of weak sauce that I do not like others to know about. But I am posting it on my blog because… hmmm. I do not know. That’s enough of that.

• Ella pooped in the potty chair yesterday. We were all, “Yay! What a big girl! Is this the beginning of potty training?” And also, “Oh, what happened to my little BAAAAAAAAAAAABY?!”

• Then she pooped on the carpet and on my Lands End tote bag. And we concluded that it was just a big day for pooping and the potty was probably just in the way.

• Jay did not break a single thing today. That I know of. Yet.

• We got into our community garden plot for the first time two days ago. We have already planted a few black raspberries and strawberry plants, broccoli, kale, and of course, the beloved brussel sprouts, which will have a cage around them this year, because, well, you know.

• Jay informed me the other day that he'd like to learn how to stop peeing, because it takes so much time. Huh. I guess that would be a time saver.

• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re done. Photoshop has finally finished installing and now I can start making fake pictures of people doing objectionable things and post them all over the internet. Or just remove some red eye.

• Tis the weekend, and I am heading out. Tomorrow is a two hour yogathon, which I figure I can get through wheezing or otherwise.• Have a good weekend!

Random neurons firing

Dear Universe,

Thank you for helping me. I have run the numbers again and again, and while scary, by all appearances, my salary is covered through June and we will be able to put on the annual conference come November. I finally feel like although we are in the tight part of the bottle neck I can see the other side, and slowly we are making our way out. Of course, we are still hoping to have some grants come through so I can make payroll for the rest of the year, but Universe, you haven’t let me down so far. I just wanted to shoot you a mid-term thank you. Thank you for helping me help our organization, thank you for helping get us going again.

Most sincerely,
Me

On other fronts, we went to the Madison Train Show this weekend, which was awesome. I heart trains. Does this make me a dork? Just wondering. Jay and I got a kick out of the fantabulous displays, many of which had cool moving parts, like miniature houses on fire with real jets of water spraying them and tiny people fishing in streams. Coolest. Thing. Ever. Jay excitedly carried his plastic stool from display to display to look at all of the setups and watched mesmerized as the trains made their way around intricate displays.

Ella continues to add words to her vocabulary. Recent additions include: thanks, cracker and please. I am tickled that some of her first words are please and thank you. I’d like to take all the credit, but I am sure it has something to do with Sesame Street and not me at all.

Five minute post

Five minute posts are fun because they are total streams of consciousness without a thought or care for grammar or punctuation or structure or logic. The day has once again gotten the best of me, and I find myself with five minutes at the end of the day to collect my thoughts. They are pretty scattered, so this is a difficult job.

The weekend:

We went up north this weekend and spent the night at a bed and breakfast in Bayfield, Wisconsin, on Lake Superior. We went cross country skiing and snowshoeing and enjoyed the beautiful snow that covered the town.

Today:

I started today as the sole employee of the organization and it feels weird and sad. But, I continue to hold out hope that we will turn things around. I am keeping my head down and my feet moving. We’ll get there.

Tonight:

Tonight is my first community garden meeting of the year, and I will face the guilt that comes with over-committing myself and then not making good on promises. It keeps me humble.

Tomorrow:
Who can think that far ahead? Really.

Fundraising Pitches

Considering the severity of our cash flow problem, I have drafted a few fundraising appeals. Let me know what you think:

Approach 1: Honesty

Dear potential supporter,

Please give us money because we are desperate.

No. Please give us money because we are REALLY desperate.

No, no. Please give us money because. Hmmm.


Approach 2: Brutual Honesty

Dear potential supporter,

How about this. If you give us money, we won’t have to shut down the organization.

Thank you.


Approach 3: Antagonism

Dear potential supporter,
WTF?

Give. Seriously.

Sincerely,
MG


Approach 4: Sympathy

Dear potential supporter,

Listen. I’m not gonna say we’re desperate or anything, but we just had to burn our toxic laden laptops for warmth. Now it smells funny and we can’t check our email.

Please give.

So, what do you think? Do any of them speak to you?

Letting Go

The hardest decision a manager is faced with is letting someone go. Today I had to do that. While we continue to have hope that funding will come though, we can’t pay people on hope. Hope does not pay the rent and it doesn’t pay health insurance. We’re down to a staff of one at the end of next week, and my grip on the organization and this wild ride is even more white knuckle. I cried. It sucked. This sucks.

Does anyone have a spare $10,000?

It ain't what you don't know...

It’s been a rough day and I am finally sitting down with a glass of wine and basking in the quiet. First, I have been wrong about nearly everything today. So whatever it is I end up posting tonight, assume it is not true. Second, we have been without email and internet at work for over 24 hours now and it’s making my right eye a little twitchy.

Episode of Wrong, exhibit A:
Lawyer who rents office space from us: Uh, Melissa, the internet seems to be down.

Me: Oh, we’ll just restart the modem and router. That’ll do it.
[skips down the hall to perform my magic, because, of course I can handle this]

Eight hours later, two visits from tech support people and a new modem later, no internet. No email. No FaceBook. This sucks.

Episode of Wrong, exhibit B:
Staff person: Melissa, are the phones on night mode? Because we’re expecting a call…

Me: (Dismisses this as the most ridiculous idea ever) No. I never put the phones on night mode. It doesn’t make sense to put them on night mode blah, blah, blah…

One missed phone call later (from our tech support people) I sheepishly take the phones off night mode.

Episode of Wrong, Exhibit C:
Jay: Mama, can we go to the library tonight?

Me: Sure. We’ll go to such and such branch.

Jay: Yay! That’s a good one because it has a train table!

Me: No, honey. They don’t have a train table.

Jay: Yes they do, Mama.

Me: No, they don’t, buddy.

Jay: Yes, Mama. Come to the kid’s section with me and I’ll show you.

Me: Jay. They. Don’t. Have. A. Train. Table.

Well. I think you know where this is going. At least I managed to wear pants this morning and came home with two kids (both mine!) from the library. The library that, as it turns out, has a train table. (It must be new.)

Rar.

I am angry. At work, we are in the process of figuring out how to stabilize the organization after a rough ride in recent years. Yesterday as I was going through some of our files from our last Executive Director, I came across a report I had never seen before. It is a report written by a consultant back in 2004, detailing interviews with our funders. It looks like the report was meant to inform a strategic plan which never actually materialized. I was up until midnight poring over the report and madly scribbling notes.

I was fascinated by the things I read in the report and deeply troubled that so much of the exciting ideas presented were never given full consideration by our past leadership. Because the interviews were done anonymously, I can not reach back to those funders to have an open dialog. What appeared repeatedly in the report were things like, “unrealized potential” and “need to create a positive vision for the organization” and “need to get past personality and territory issues and learn to work with others in meaningful collaborations.”

We had the warning signs of funding trouble to come. And… yet… here we are nearly six years later with nothing to show for it. I suddenly feel angry. I feel like I have inherited a smoldering crap pile. “Hi Melissa! We’ve just screwed things up and now we’d like to stick you with the clean up. Thanks!”

This morning I did not write for fifteen minutes before checking my email. I started making calls and sending emails to past and present funders to start the process of mending the fences and engaging them in our future. If this organization is going to soar it is going to do so with many wings- we can no longer afford to be insular and exclusive.

Also, Ella threw up on me last night. I am a little touchy.

Spring in January

I bought plants for the office last night. Amazing how a blooming plant can make life so much better. I am a big fan of live plants indoors and consider houseplants to be an office supply, so when my local greenhouse posted “50 percent off houseplants today” I made a quick turn into the parking lot. Now the office is draping with lush green vivacity and the smell of spring. Happy, happy.

Monday morning affirmations

I caught the bus again this morning, despite Jay’s best attempt to make me late by insisting that I eat breakfast with the rest of the family like a real human being. While I am big on good nutrition and eating balanced meals, during the workweek, “balanced” usually means a slice of toast balancing on my travel mug while I rush out the door. Most mornings Jay lobbies for a full sit down breakfast with everyone at the same table, and if I am driving in to work, I usually oblige him. This morning though, I was taking the bus, and well, you know.

Me with the whole “on time” thing.

I inhaled a peanut butter smeared tortilla with only half of my butt on the chair (because it takes less time to eat if only half of you is sitting? I do not know.) Then I quickly downed some coffee and feeling very much like a third grader, asked if I was excused. Jay nodded and I swept out the door.

That was a pretty long winded story about how I got to the office. The point of it was that I caught the bus, and listened to a guided meditation track on my ride in. Often, the bus ride is the calmest part of my day. After a morning of rush, rush, crap I am late, rush, rush, I know I’ll miss my bus NOW, rush, sprint, oh, look! The bus isn’t here yet! Hooray! [Collapse] I was finally able to breathe deeply and welcome the day.

My affirmations for the day:

Love will be my highest guide.
I am the master of my life.
I am open and receptive to the lessons that present themselves to me today.

This begins week two of my new role as E.D. which so far I am enjoying thoroughly. Hope your Monday is off to a good start.

Keep calm, keep going, keep runnin'

Caught the bus this morning and chatted with a neighbor the whole ride into the office. I love taking the bus. I get to knit or read or meditate. I don’t need to worry about the traffic or the snowy roads. And sometimes, like today, I get to talk to folks who I see around our condo but don’t have the opportunity to really talk to. I come into the office feeling sure that the world is a pretty good place, after all.

Of course, actually GETTING on the bus is another matter. This morning I remarked to my neighbor as I arrived at the bus stop (out of breath, as usual) that I have no idea how long it takes me to walk to the bus stop, because I have never been in a position to try it. The only way I even know HOW to get to the bus stop is through a full on sprint, while jacking up my pant legs and holding on to my bag for dear life, willing the contents of my overstuffed messenger bag not to spill all over the parking lot. This could all be remedied by me leaving five minutes earlier in the morning. But I guess I love the excitement of chasing the bus down and banging on the windows as it rolls past me.

When I was in high school, my mom and I would ride together, as she taught and still teaches at the high school. I was always the hold up, and would often race out of the house and leap into the car just before she pulled out of the driveway in exasperation. Once she actually left me, getting all the way down the street and to the stop sign before seeing me in the rearview mirror, sprinting down the middle of the road, frantically waving my arms and yelling. She took pity on me and paused long enough for me to fling myself into the passenger seat and heave a huge teenaged sigh.

Well, Mom, I know you were trying to teach me a lesson. And I have learned it.

Never rely on a mode of transportation that I can’t chase down. And much like Forrest Gump, I just kept running…

Today ends my first week as Executive Director. Got a meeting with our Executive Committee today and then someone is coming in this afternoon to check out our office space. One way to stabilize the organization is to increase revenue. The other is to bring down expenses. We are trying to sublet all but two of the offices in our suite. I hope it goes well.

My mantra for the coming year is “Keep calm, keep going.” I read it on a coffee mug somewhere and it seems appropriate. So, keep calm, keep going, and keep running. It keeps you in shape for when that uppity bus drive tries to leave on time.

The challenge of daily writing begins

Must... write… first… before opening inbox… but its power is too strong for my mere mortal mind… must check email immediately… no. No.

Shake it off. It will be there in fifteen minutes.

And so begins day four of my life as Executive Director. Had a recent graduate from the University contact me out of the blue yesterday to offer her volunteer services. She is interested in the intersection between policy and the environment and has some time on her hands while she studies for the exam to get into law school. Could she do some sort of project or just general office tasks for us while she takes the next few months to study for the exam, she wondered?

Um, yes.

That was the bright spot of the day. Not so bright spot- talking to a fundraising consultant who confirmed my fear- our fundraising options are pretty limited. Few people are really going to “get” what we do, and fewer people are going to have the capacity to fund it, especially in these tight times. Forget about sending direct mail as a revenue stream, it won’t work for us she explained. But maybe a major donor program would work, she went on to say. Great idea! Now where are those major donors?

Went to a Pilates class last night. Meh. Most likely I wasn’t doing the moves right, because I didn’t feel much except a growing anxiety that I wasn’t getting a good enough workout in my limited workout time. Went home and had chocolate covered pretzels. Now that that is written down, it seems much worse than the way it felt last night. Huh.

Alright, I am plunging into work now and I will tackle my inbox and show it who’s boss.

Onward and upward.

Fifteen minutes.

One of the things I am promising myself to do this year is to carve out fifteen minutes each day to write. I need to write, for my own sanity. Just like running and meditating, writing is one more way that I can center myself and help solve my own problems, or just allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling at that moment without judgment. When I get too busy to set aside time to write a blog post or make a journal entry, I find that I still write, just in less conventional forms. Long winded emails to friends, lists to myself, musings on the backs of envelopes, scrawlings on the chalkboard at home, blog posts in my mind. Even though I tell myself I don’t need to write every day, I have dozens of half-filled notebooks and scratch pads that would indicate otherwise.

So, I am aiming to carve out ten or fifteen minutes at the beginning of each day while the coffee is brewing and my email box is still unopened. My musings and half thoughts may not always make it to the blog, but at least it will give me time to collect myself for the day ahead and wrap up any stray thoughts from the day before.

On Monday I started work as the new Executive Director of my organization. The past few weeks have been incredibly busy with the transition from my boss to me and there is so much to learn and take care of. I am excited and scared out of my mind. More scared than excited, I must say. But three days into the job now, the fear is waning as I delve into the nuts and bolts of the job and let go of the abstract. It is not as scary as I thought it would be now that all the lights are on and I know what needs to be done. What was scariest was the idea of taking on the position of Executive Director and only faintly knowing what that would really entail. High: finding a subtenant for one of our offices, which will ease the rent burden we are facing. Low: the death of our only major donor, leaving our organization and the environmental community as a whole very, very sad. Also, I now have a $40,000 budget gap that I have no idea how to fix.

I wonder what day three holds in store?

Still no word

It’s been a nail biting, anxiety-ridden morning. The board had their call yesterday, and we continue to wait to hear back on the status of our jobs. We have been told we can expect word today or by Monday at the latest. Argh. The thought of spending another night, and worse, another weekend, wondering whether I’ll be coming back into the office in January is nearly overwhelming.

I am taking deep breaths, gearing up for a run, and trying to put it all into perspective. At the end of the day, it is just a job. Our family is healthy, Christmas is coming, and the world is filled with beauty. The pine trees cloaked in snow outside my window are not affected by my turbulent job situation, neither are the muskrats along the lake or the wind blowing past me. I am part of this world, but only part, and my job is part of me, but only part.

And I breathe…

And run.

There Snow Place Like Home... Again

Just got back home. I tried to leave for the office this morning and after driving a quarter of the way amidst cars that were facing the wrong way and wheels spinning but getting nowhere, I pulled into a parking lot and called my boss. He was stuck at home, too, his back alley not having been plowed yet and no way to move his car out of the garage. It took me fifteen minutes to make it a mile and a half, and after white knuckling it for all of those minutes, I decided there was simply nothing I need at the office bad enough to keep driving. I turned around and headed back home.

It’s probably best that I am at home, anyway, as there is yet another board meeting today, and yet another nerve racking, bated breath, “ are we losing our jobs next month?” discussion. At least at home I can crank up the Christmas music and pretend that my job is not being discussed. Hopefully I will have a sense of how things went by this afternoon. Lovely that I was just sent a reminder from Outlook that the board meeting is starting this very minute. La, la, la, la… I’m not listening.
… I need a Christmas cookie.

On the upside, since I am back at home this morning I called Godzilla to discuss the terms of my student loan and potential pending unemployment. Turns out Godzilla has a really sweet phone demeanor. Also turns out that there is a program called “Income Based Repayment.” Also also turns out that we qualify. Also, also, also turns out that our income is so low that it qualifies us for making a monthly payment of ZERO for the first year. After twenty-five years in this program they forgive any remaining amount due. Godzilla has officially been downgraded to a newt. A Christmas newt.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

As is usually the case, once I actually carve out enough time to post, I find myself writing more posts in my head, and thinking everything to be post-worthy and believing that everyone really is interested in the minutiae of my day. This is the case right now, as I have found it perfectly suitable to post about the weather, because, look, snow! And also, yay!

Weather forecasts indicate that we're in for 8 to 12 inches starting tomorrow afternoon and ending on Wednesday evening. Building snowmen and going sledding is probably just the thing I need right now to help distract from the anxiety that is settling into my neck and shoulders. Woohoo!

My life, in bullet points:

I've been too busy worrying and baking to write in full sentences. So here is an update:

• Ella has officially started to walk. Currently it is only four steps at a time. But, it’s upright. It’s forward motion. It’s progress.
  
• We went Christmas tree hunting on Saturday. Felled a big ‘un. I think all the camouflage and face paint paid off. It never saw us coming.
  
• I still do not know if in three weeks I will have a job. Or a raise. Not sure if my day at the office is best spent boxing up our organizational records or writing grant proposals. My head is about to explode.
  
• Jay likes decorating the Christmas tree. Again and again. He has redecorated it about eleven hundred times now, each time exclaiming, “It’s time to decorate the Christmas tree! It’s a happy Christmas day!”
  
• To take my mind off the work thing, I have delved full scale into the holidays. We have holiday music on nonstop at home, wrote letters to Santa, decorated our deck with lights (solar powered LEDs- which you think would be cool, except they’re not really. They are a freakish blue and only come on when they are good and ready, which is not until they have had a nice sunshiny day, and then only when they think it is dark enough for you to fully appreciate them. Argh.) We are reading holiday themed books, picked out a few holiday DVDs from the library, are planning a Solstice celebration and are baking, baking, baking. Mostly cookies, which I then inhale.
  
• I have made way too many batches of cut out Christmas cookies. I have eaten way too many batches of cut out Christmas cookies. And soon I will only be able to wear bed sheets.
  
• Focusing on the holidays works well until I boot up my computer on Monday morning, and remember that the countdown towards unemployment could be measured in days. And then I want to throw up.
  
• Back to the holidays. Think good thoughts. Happy, happy, joy, joy. My favorite Christmas song is….
  
• But the work thing. Shit.
  
• No, focus on the positive. Things will be o.k. Really.
  
• But, three weeks. Twenty- one days. Potential unemployment. [panicky, quick breathing like you see pregnant women do on TV who are in labor in a taxi cab]
  
• Breathe deeply, things will be fine. We’ll be fine. The organization will be fine. All will be fine.
  
• No, not fine. This is scary. Scary is not fine.
  
• Listen, cool it. The sun is shining, you have a terrific family, good friends and everybody is healthy.
  
• Can it, Pollyanna.
  
• Oy.
  
• Does anyone have any Christmas cookies?

Well folks, that’s about it right now. I wish I had some funny, insightful, thoughtful stuff to post today, but mostly I am thinking in emotional bullet points and run on sentences fraught with stress and worry. Aren’t you glad you visited?

If you have any good holiday baking recipes, now would be a great time to send them my way….

What is the sound of the Universe sighing?

I am trying to channel my inner Dave Barry, but so far… nothing. Instead what is going through my mind is a scrolling list of all my worries, mostly having to do with the fact that I could be facing down unemployment next month. Sometimes when I am worried, I make lists. Or write letters. Letters that I never send, because I oh my god is THAT a dumbass thing to do, because this one time… oh never mind. Anyway, sometimes I do both. I find putting it down on paper takes it off my chest and puts it out to the Universe for a stronger force to deal with it. Here then, is my letter to the universe tonight, making this post way more Judy Blume than Dave Barry. Ah well, you get what you pay for, folks.

Dear Universe,

Please help me find a job. I don’t want to be picky… except that I do want to be picky. I’d like it to be here in Madison. Barring that, I’ll take something here in Wisconsin. After all, soon I won’t have an expired license anymore, and I’ll be completely legit.

Right after I go to the DMV and present them with my birth certificate.
Which will be right after I get a new copy of my birth certificate.
Which will be right after I order one from the state of Florida, and then wait the five to six weeks it’ll take to get here.

On second thought, Universe, how necessary is it to be legit?
Truth is, Universe, I’d like to stay right where I am, expired license or not. I like where I work. Sure the pay is mediocre, but the benefits are great, and I love the place. As you know, we continue to wait on word from one grant. If it’s a yes, then I might have a job come January. If it’s a no, then I’ll be boxing up my picture frames and office plants next month.

I hate to beg because I know you’re awfully busy, but I do need your help. I’ve tried to go it alone for a while now, dutifully networking, scattering resumes all over town, trolling the internet for job openings. I have loaded “What Color is Your Parachute” on to my iPod and made heavy use of my friends and relatives for job leads. But here’s the thing, Universe. I’d like to be the executive director of an environmental organization. I’d like to be the executive director of MY organization. I believe in the organization, I love the people and I know the organization better than anyone. I am not ready to see it go down, and also, I am not ready to be out of a job. I’d like the opportunity to take the organization to the next level.

If taking over the organization is not in the cards, please help me find a job that is as fulfilling and will support my family. Um, here in Madison. Working for the environment. With good health and dental. And free parking. And also flextime and great coworkers. Oh, and dog friendly. It’s got to be dog friendly. And casual dress. Near a coffee shop, if possible. And a retirement plan, if it’s not too much trouble. Yep, that should do it.

Warmly,
Missy

( Universe… did you just… did you just roll your eyes?)

Hi everybody

Yes, I am still around. Yes, I am now celebrating a new decade. Yes, I still have a job… for now.

Things have been hectic the last few weeks, with getting sick and then better and then sick and then better and then sick and then better. Oy. I have finally, finally recovered and am feeling good. Our annual conference took place last week and I was traveling for work for nearly a week. It was during that week that I turned the big three-oh. To my surprise, I look the same today as I did last week, back when I was in my twenties. Also to my surprise, I still don’t know everything. When do I become a wizened old soul? Maybe when I turn thirty-two?

On the work front, I returned from the conference with a new passion for keeping our organization alive. I am now consumed with the work of trying to keep our doors open. Last week we convened a group of the greatest and most dedicated people in the environmental movement. Leaders of environmental groups from around the country, in almost every state, all of which are doing vital work for their state’s people and environment. We brought them together to learn from one another, to learn from experts and to build the national environmental movement by strengthening the work that comes out of each and every state.

During the conference, I received several job offers. Albany, New York. Sun Valley, Idaho. North Dakota, Oregon, Michigan. And the more that I think about it, the more resolute I become. I want to stay put. Not just here in Madison. Here at SELP.

My career goals are simple: I want to save the world, and I want to help others.

For years I have been lucky to find the sweet spot between those two goals at SELP. We strengthen the entire environmental movement by helping environmental organizations become smarter, more powerful and better run. But we also help people. We help new executive directors who come into the position with eyes the size of saucers and constant stress headaches. We help them understand that they are not alone. They are not the only ones going up against a new coal fired power plant or fighting industry lobbyists who outspend them ten to one. We mentor them, we train them and we help them learn from each other. We inspire them to keep on keeping on, and give them the shot in the arm they need to dedicate their time and energy to working for the environment.

As these leaders learned of the direness of our financial situation, I heard over and over again that this, our conference of 22 years and SELP as an organization, can not end. And yet, without funding, we can not continue. So, I am working every angle to keep us going.

I know that my career path will have many detours. They say the average person changes careers several times over the course of their lives, and I fully expect that to be the case for me, all with the culmination of achieving those two fundamental goals: making a positive impact in the world and serving others. I fully expect to serve in public office one day. I also expect that I will be a writer. And in the more immediate future, I expect that I will be an executive director of an environmental organization someday.

And now I am doing everything that I can to make this work, because I truly believe in our mission, and believe that we do make a difference. So, please forgive me if I blip in and out from time to time.

I am trying the save the world.

P.S., if you find yourself with spare cash this year, and want to make a real difference in the environment, I know of a very deserving organization.