At some point I realized that I had been writing about my second pregnancy on almost a weekly basis to a very good friend of mine. Once I pulled together all of the emails I sent Becca out of my sent mail box, and added in a few of my own entries from various journals and scrawlings from the backs of envelopes, etc., I decided it was high time to formalize this bad boy into a "pregnancy journal". I am missing a few weeks, and have probably forgotten too much already about this pregnancy, but for not being intentional about it, I say overall, not bad. We're due on August 15.
Week 5
Still shaking. Holy cow. So um, yeah. The pee stick had a straight line. Straight line on pee sick = P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T.
The way I told Chris was on Saturday night, while Chris was giving Jay a bath, I laid out Jay's pajamas, which conveniently consisted of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt that I made that read "Big Brother (soon)". Chris went into the bedroom to get Jay dressed and then there was silence. I held my breath.
Then, "Babe...?" "Yes?" I asked innocently. "Did you um... did you pick this particular outfit for a reason?" "Yes" I replied, nonchalantly. "Why?" He asked searchingly. "Because Jay is going to be a big brother". Chris, not wanting to get too far ahead of himself asked one more question, "do you know HOW soon?". It was too much. I started laughing. "Eight months or so". He busted out into a BIG grin. He was really, really excited. Which was good, because up until then I had been practically sick with worry. We went for a long walk and he helped me calm way down. He is genuinely thrilled. I am still adjusting, but I would be way worse if I didn't have his amazing support.
Week 6
I've got my first prenatal appointment on January 8th at 1 PM, and if the appointment goes like it did last time, this is when I'll get my first ultrasound. Woah!
I am DREADING telling my boss. I am choosing who I tell carefully, so that I start with only people who will be excited and encouraging. I know I am going to get an earful from people about already having one, being in school, working full time, blah, blah, blah. Especially from my "the world is already overpopulated" boss. He can be a real gem.
Week 7
Morning sickness and fatigue are hitting me like a train. Had to switch my toothpaste to one that has a less intense flavor. Light headedness every time I stand up. We broke the news to our families over Christmas, and everyone is mostly happy (except for Kathy, who isn't so much into kids and said something like, but wouldn't you like to get another puppy instead?) Haven't tried to tell anyone at work yet, although I did tell the other moms across the hall at our "Mom Squad" lunch a couple of weeks ago, which was great, because they were excited.
Week 8
Tuesday is our first prenatal visit. Hoping all goes well. Judging from the fatigue and morning sickness, everything is fine.
Week 9
It's a peanut! Saw pictures of the little one, saw the heart beat, I could make out the arms, legs, gigantic head and round belly, and we could see the umbilical cord. Measuring right on target, with the ultrasound one day behind LMP, providing us with a due date of Aug 15. Everything seems to be going well. Next appointment is on Feb 6.
I am excited about the pregnancy and Chris is, too, but then I am sitting at work, feeling overloaded and wondering how were even going to do this whole second baby thing, and then I realize that oh yeah, it is a good thing, and I did want this.
Week 10
I am having such a rough day. Hormones, most likely, but I am so angry. Just angry. Why? I don't even know. I just want to curl up into a ball and be alone and I don't want to be at the office, and I don't want to go home (how could I subject Chris and Jay to this?) and I don't even know what'll make me feel better. And my back aches, even though I don't even have a bump yet, and I am feeling crampy and I just want to cry. For no apparent reason. I am focused on the negative right now, which is not where my focus should be. I should go work out. But I am so tired. Argh!!! I think all I really want right now is cake and ice cream. And maybe some peanut M&Ms.
This whole pregnancy thing is still under wraps, because I am too chicken to tell my boss. Waiting for... I don't know. The perfect day. Hopefully that comes before my bump. I'll be ten weeks tomorrow, so I know I still have time, though it is getting short. Shouldn't wait too much longer.
I found out recently that we have short term disability and that I can collect benefits while on leave. Love being the HR person here. I am going to ask for (holding my breath here) three months off and then a transition back into the office by working for about a month at a half time or three quarter rate. Three months would be all of my vacation, sick and some saved up holidays, (if I am a good girl and don't use this time before I go on maternity leave), plus seven or eight weeks of unpaid leave. No idea if I'll get it, but it's worth asking for. Don't care what the personnel policy says. It sucks. The unpaid leave will suck too, but short term disability will mean that we will have some income. Mostly I am concerned with getting a big fat "NO". But, I'll have to be brave. I mean, even three months isn't that long.
Somehow, just writing it all out, I feel less angry. Still a little unstable, but not as aggressive. I am never aggressive. What the hell? I don't remember such surges of emotions when I was pregnant with Jay.
Week 14
Baby bump is growing, though I am not really showing yet. Friday will be 14 weeks. We do have a twenty week ultrasound scheduled at Meriter- March 28th. I am suddenly oscillating between wanting to know the sex and wanting to save the surprise. If this time is anything like last time, I'll probably lose all of my strength at the last minute and demand to know.
Week 17
I've got my prenatal appointment this afternoon. I think I'll have the quad screen done. I missed the opportunity to conduct the same test via ultrasound because it had to be done close to week twelve and I dropped the ball on that one.
Week 18
I am starting to feel those pings that you are never sure if they are what you think they are but you feel all warm and fuzzy thinking they are little feet moving about and maybe, just maybe, they are. Cool.
Week 20
It’s a girl! We had our twenty week ultra sound today, and though I didn’t want to find out the gender, the ultra sound technician goofed and now we know we will be welcoming Ella Rachel into the world. The tech knew I didn’t want to know the gender, as I told her right off the bat. As she was scanning I noticed a distinct lack of something between the little one’s legs, and was pretty sure that this meant we were having a little girl. My suspicions were bolstered when she pulled up a screen on the monitor at the end of the session that showed the baby’s measurements and vital information that had been gathered throughout the scan. And there in the field labeled “gender”, it was clear. Female.
After this final screen, she asked if we had any questions. Nope. Then I said, well, I guess it’s Ella Rachel! The tech said nothing, but a few minutes later, the doctor came in and tried to do damage control and explained that all of “gender” fields on that screen say “female” because the patient- me- is female. Chris and I weren’t buying it, though I desperately wanted to believe it because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. There are so few surprises the second time around… I had really hoped to have the excitement of not knowing build. But alas, I guess I would have found out eventually, anyway, so maybe it doesn’t matter whether it was week twenty or week forty. So, welcome, Ella Rachel. We can’t wait to meet you!
Weeks 21 – 29
A summary: school, work, Jay, school, tests, projects… what pregnancy? So busy, can’t even schedule a hair cut. Will I ever sleep again? Still barely showing, so it is easy to forget sometimes that in addition to all of the things I have going on right now, I am also building a whole new human. Not feeling bad from the pregnancy and loving the honeymoon trimester, which came right in time for the crunch period of spring semester. I’d like to say I planned it like that, but alas, it less to do with planning and more to do with biology and hormones and “I’d like to have a baby RIGHT NOW, thanks”. Planning, schmanning. It was simply lucky that the easiest trimester synched up with my school schedule. Have been taking care of myself, but have put many thoughts of the pregnancy and little Ms. Ella on the back burner while I chug away on my Master’s degree and balance a full time job and a family. Can’t wait until I am done with school and no longer have to juggle so much. Summer is a nice consolation prize, though.
Week 30
Week 30 is really kicking my ass. I don’t know why I am so angry. It is so generalized, so random, I don’t get it. On my run today, I felt like I had a black cloud over my head. I was a scowling, finger wagging, hostile piece of work. Runs will almost always clear my head and leave me feeling peaceful and relaxed. Even after a six mile run, the only thought I had about a random stranger was, “fuck you”. Very eloquent. Always appropriate. I can’t account for it. I can’t explain it. I just want to be alone.
Week 33
I am thirty-two and a half weeks pregnant. I feel unwieldy. My belly juts out everywhere. It aches, it pulls, it feels heavy.
I am reading “Birthing From Within” and chapter one instructs you to come up with a question- your question- the one that only you can answer, the one that you need to know before you give birth. I have wondered about that. Am I worried about my C-section scar opening up and then having to undergo another C-section? Am I worried about the labor pain? Am I worried whether Chris will make a good birthing coach? All of these to some degree, yes. But what I really wonder about is whether I am ready to do this all over again. Am I ready for the crying? The sleepless nights? The SIDs worries? The responsibility of a second tiny little human being who is dependant on me for everything? Am I ready to be so completely needed that I can’t even sneak away for a shower or clip my fingernails? Also, can I love her as much as I love Jay? Can I possibly love two that much? And even if I can, will have enough time and energy to give both of them what they need? Will I be angry with Jay for not giving me enough time with Ella? Will I be resentful of Ella because she is moving in on Jay’s turf? Will she feel alien to me? Will I love her and accept her right away? Will I be happy about having a second child? Will I be happy about having a daughter?
I thought I was ready. Getting pregnant was deliberate. We knew wanted more than one child, and we knew we wanted to have them when we were still young enough to do things with them. But now that I am in the home stretch, now I am suddenly not so sure. Maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be. Maybe one is enough. Jay is certainly hard work. It scares me to think about what we are in for. If she is just like her older brother, I may not sleep again for YEARS. This depresses me. Jay is two now and I still don’t get much time to myself. I fall dead asleep by the time I can get him to sleep- which is usually ten/ ten-thirty. That leaves precious little time for cleaning, reading, time alone with Chris, etc., let alone any time for myself. How is it going to work with two?
So, what if the answer to my question is, “No, I am not ready”? There is no going back now. There is no “I’ve changed my mind” option. No delete button. How do I get ready? What do I do to prepare myself for what’s up ahead? Is that possible?
Week 34
I am closing in on week 34, and I am sloooooooowing down. I am so tired. I get out of bed in the morning and after a shower I am ready to crawl right back into bed. Yesterday I was home on bed rest after having contractions for about two hours the night before. It freaked me out big time. At this point I would place bets on this baby coming early. I just hope not TOO early.
Week 35
At the end of this week, Ms. Ella’s lungs will be done developing. If she were born this week, she would be premature… but not unhealthy. C’mon Ella. Mama wants to sleep on her back again sometime soon.
Week 36
So, I have been very good so far during this pregnancy in terms of not being (too) preoccupied with the pregnancy. This last week though, it has been all labor and baby. It's all I can think about. All I can talk about. All I seem to care about. Poor Chris. He has been so patient, even reading the books out loud to me and listening while I read them to him (we finished Birthing From Within on the car ride to Lake Superior last weekend. We've since moved on to Ina May Gaskin’s book). He genuinely seems interested and not annoyed... yet. At some point it has got to get to him, though, I am sure. I can't imagine that anyone else is as riveted with talk of labor and birthing as I am right now.
The not knowingness of it all drives me crazy. Last time, I had a date. My c-section date was scheduled earlier than my due date, and so I wasn't thinking about it too much. I knew exactly when I would have a baby. Of course I went into labor even earlier, and that was great! I never wondered about when it would happen or what it would be like. Labor caught me by surprise and I didn't have much time to think about it. But now, I just don't know. Will it happen tonight? In three weeks? In six weeks? Will my water break first? Will I be at work? What will this labor feel like? How long will it last? Do these cramps I feel signal that labor is imminent or will this go on for weeks still? So many questions!
Each night I go to bed, I wonder if I will wake up in the middle of the night in labor. Each day I wake up and wonder if today will be the day. Then I surf the web looking for answers, as if Google has some window into my future. And I look through more birthing books and read up on exactly how long the baby is this week and decide that my pregnancy is too different from what the books describe to be very helpful.
I find it strange that I am more caught up in the labor aspect than the whole "bringing home a child" aspect of the upcoming adventure. What's up with that? Maybe because I have dealt with babies before? I sorta know what to expect? Is this selfish of me to only really wonder and be caught up in the idea of birthing rather than the idea of a baby? Do other women feel equal anticipation/nervousness/impatience about both or one more so than the other?
Of course I am eager to have our little Ella home as soon as possible. I am also crazy eager to stop working and be done being pregnant. I know I will look back fondly on being pregnant, as I did after Jay was born. But right now, this very moment, I am done, I am ready. Let's get this thing going!
Week 37
Ugh. I am so ready. This has to be the hardest week. Still two days until term, but ready enough to feel like I could go any minute. And man, oh, man, do I ever want to go. Tonight would be wonderful. I am actually writing up my leave notes right now, in the hopes that it will jump start labor. We had the carpets steam cleaned yesterday. It was so worth the money. I started nesting hard core Monday night, scrubbing finger prints off of doors, dusting, organizing, re-organizing. Then I stared at the floor and thought I'd lose my mind because there were so many stains and spots and oh my god, how can we bring a baby home to THIS? I had initially intended to rent a cleaner and do it myself, but I knew I wouldn't be up for it, and Chris' shoulder and elbows have been hurting him a lot lately, and plus, neither of us wanted to take on that much work, frankly. You know what? It was the best 100 bucks I've spent (ahem, charged) in a long time. I think we'll be doing this once a year. Wine spots? Gone! Smooshed raspberry? Gone? Dog pee? Gone! Gone! Gone!
While the carpets were being cleaned by not us (Wheee!), we went out in search of cushions for that new rocker. We went to six- count 'em SIX different places to find cushions, all to no avail. Target, Pier One Imports, Bed Bath and Beyond, Ashley Furniture, Menards, and yes, even Cracker Barrel, because they sell rocking chairs. Interestingly, Cracker Barrel was the ONLY place that even carried cushions at all. Unfortch they only had one color- Kelly green. No dice. I am slightly frantic at the moment, because I NEED CUSHIONS FOR THIS ROCKING CHAIR. Now. Oh, we even went to JoAnne Fabrics, thinking maybe we were up to buying all the material to make our own. Then we assessed how much work that would entail and quickly whisked Jay out of the store like it was cool. Hello, I have a baby to push out soon, maybe even tonight. I do not have time to sew my own freaking cushions. Why do these stores not share my sense of urgency? Bah!
Now we just have to get a set of drawers and the kid's closet organized. (Note to Ella: Don't be fooled. Mama would love to meet you tonight, even if the closet wasn't completely done).
And I wonder, how is life outside of my womb? Is there, like, news happening?
Week 38
Dear God,
If you let me go into labor today, I will never ever do anything bad again in my life, like eating Jay’s cookies and telling him I don’t know what happened to them or turning on the water in the shower and letting it run to “warm up” while I brush my teeth. I promise.
Week 5
Still shaking. Holy cow. So um, yeah. The pee stick had a straight line. Straight line on pee sick = P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T.
The way I told Chris was on Saturday night, while Chris was giving Jay a bath, I laid out Jay's pajamas, which conveniently consisted of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt that I made that read "Big Brother (soon)". Chris went into the bedroom to get Jay dressed and then there was silence. I held my breath.
Then, "Babe...?" "Yes?" I asked innocently. "Did you um... did you pick this particular outfit for a reason?" "Yes" I replied, nonchalantly. "Why?" He asked searchingly. "Because Jay is going to be a big brother". Chris, not wanting to get too far ahead of himself asked one more question, "do you know HOW soon?". It was too much. I started laughing. "Eight months or so". He busted out into a BIG grin. He was really, really excited. Which was good, because up until then I had been practically sick with worry. We went for a long walk and he helped me calm way down. He is genuinely thrilled. I am still adjusting, but I would be way worse if I didn't have his amazing support.
Week 6
I've got my first prenatal appointment on January 8th at 1 PM, and if the appointment goes like it did last time, this is when I'll get my first ultrasound. Woah!
I am DREADING telling my boss. I am choosing who I tell carefully, so that I start with only people who will be excited and encouraging. I know I am going to get an earful from people about already having one, being in school, working full time, blah, blah, blah. Especially from my "the world is already overpopulated" boss. He can be a real gem.
Week 7
Morning sickness and fatigue are hitting me like a train. Had to switch my toothpaste to one that has a less intense flavor. Light headedness every time I stand up. We broke the news to our families over Christmas, and everyone is mostly happy (except for Kathy, who isn't so much into kids and said something like, but wouldn't you like to get another puppy instead?) Haven't tried to tell anyone at work yet, although I did tell the other moms across the hall at our "Mom Squad" lunch a couple of weeks ago, which was great, because they were excited.
Week 8
Tuesday is our first prenatal visit. Hoping all goes well. Judging from the fatigue and morning sickness, everything is fine.
Week 9
It's a peanut! Saw pictures of the little one, saw the heart beat, I could make out the arms, legs, gigantic head and round belly, and we could see the umbilical cord. Measuring right on target, with the ultrasound one day behind LMP, providing us with a due date of Aug 15. Everything seems to be going well. Next appointment is on Feb 6.
I am excited about the pregnancy and Chris is, too, but then I am sitting at work, feeling overloaded and wondering how were even going to do this whole second baby thing, and then I realize that oh yeah, it is a good thing, and I did want this.
Week 10
I am having such a rough day. Hormones, most likely, but I am so angry. Just angry. Why? I don't even know. I just want to curl up into a ball and be alone and I don't want to be at the office, and I don't want to go home (how could I subject Chris and Jay to this?) and I don't even know what'll make me feel better. And my back aches, even though I don't even have a bump yet, and I am feeling crampy and I just want to cry. For no apparent reason. I am focused on the negative right now, which is not where my focus should be. I should go work out. But I am so tired. Argh!!! I think all I really want right now is cake and ice cream. And maybe some peanut M&Ms.
This whole pregnancy thing is still under wraps, because I am too chicken to tell my boss. Waiting for... I don't know. The perfect day. Hopefully that comes before my bump. I'll be ten weeks tomorrow, so I know I still have time, though it is getting short. Shouldn't wait too much longer.
I found out recently that we have short term disability and that I can collect benefits while on leave. Love being the HR person here. I am going to ask for (holding my breath here) three months off and then a transition back into the office by working for about a month at a half time or three quarter rate. Three months would be all of my vacation, sick and some saved up holidays, (if I am a good girl and don't use this time before I go on maternity leave), plus seven or eight weeks of unpaid leave. No idea if I'll get it, but it's worth asking for. Don't care what the personnel policy says. It sucks. The unpaid leave will suck too, but short term disability will mean that we will have some income. Mostly I am concerned with getting a big fat "NO". But, I'll have to be brave. I mean, even three months isn't that long.
Somehow, just writing it all out, I feel less angry. Still a little unstable, but not as aggressive. I am never aggressive. What the hell? I don't remember such surges of emotions when I was pregnant with Jay.
Week 14
Baby bump is growing, though I am not really showing yet. Friday will be 14 weeks. We do have a twenty week ultrasound scheduled at Meriter- March 28th. I am suddenly oscillating between wanting to know the sex and wanting to save the surprise. If this time is anything like last time, I'll probably lose all of my strength at the last minute and demand to know.
Week 17
I've got my prenatal appointment this afternoon. I think I'll have the quad screen done. I missed the opportunity to conduct the same test via ultrasound because it had to be done close to week twelve and I dropped the ball on that one.
Week 18
I am starting to feel those pings that you are never sure if they are what you think they are but you feel all warm and fuzzy thinking they are little feet moving about and maybe, just maybe, they are. Cool.
Week 20
It’s a girl! We had our twenty week ultra sound today, and though I didn’t want to find out the gender, the ultra sound technician goofed and now we know we will be welcoming Ella Rachel into the world. The tech knew I didn’t want to know the gender, as I told her right off the bat. As she was scanning I noticed a distinct lack of something between the little one’s legs, and was pretty sure that this meant we were having a little girl. My suspicions were bolstered when she pulled up a screen on the monitor at the end of the session that showed the baby’s measurements and vital information that had been gathered throughout the scan. And there in the field labeled “gender”, it was clear. Female.
After this final screen, she asked if we had any questions. Nope. Then I said, well, I guess it’s Ella Rachel! The tech said nothing, but a few minutes later, the doctor came in and tried to do damage control and explained that all of “gender” fields on that screen say “female” because the patient- me- is female. Chris and I weren’t buying it, though I desperately wanted to believe it because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. There are so few surprises the second time around… I had really hoped to have the excitement of not knowing build. But alas, I guess I would have found out eventually, anyway, so maybe it doesn’t matter whether it was week twenty or week forty. So, welcome, Ella Rachel. We can’t wait to meet you!
Weeks 21 – 29
A summary: school, work, Jay, school, tests, projects… what pregnancy? So busy, can’t even schedule a hair cut. Will I ever sleep again? Still barely showing, so it is easy to forget sometimes that in addition to all of the things I have going on right now, I am also building a whole new human. Not feeling bad from the pregnancy and loving the honeymoon trimester, which came right in time for the crunch period of spring semester. I’d like to say I planned it like that, but alas, it less to do with planning and more to do with biology and hormones and “I’d like to have a baby RIGHT NOW, thanks”. Planning, schmanning. It was simply lucky that the easiest trimester synched up with my school schedule. Have been taking care of myself, but have put many thoughts of the pregnancy and little Ms. Ella on the back burner while I chug away on my Master’s degree and balance a full time job and a family. Can’t wait until I am done with school and no longer have to juggle so much. Summer is a nice consolation prize, though.
Week 30
Week 30 is really kicking my ass. I don’t know why I am so angry. It is so generalized, so random, I don’t get it. On my run today, I felt like I had a black cloud over my head. I was a scowling, finger wagging, hostile piece of work. Runs will almost always clear my head and leave me feeling peaceful and relaxed. Even after a six mile run, the only thought I had about a random stranger was, “fuck you”. Very eloquent. Always appropriate. I can’t account for it. I can’t explain it. I just want to be alone.
Week 33
I am thirty-two and a half weeks pregnant. I feel unwieldy. My belly juts out everywhere. It aches, it pulls, it feels heavy.
I am reading “Birthing From Within” and chapter one instructs you to come up with a question- your question- the one that only you can answer, the one that you need to know before you give birth. I have wondered about that. Am I worried about my C-section scar opening up and then having to undergo another C-section? Am I worried about the labor pain? Am I worried whether Chris will make a good birthing coach? All of these to some degree, yes. But what I really wonder about is whether I am ready to do this all over again. Am I ready for the crying? The sleepless nights? The SIDs worries? The responsibility of a second tiny little human being who is dependant on me for everything? Am I ready to be so completely needed that I can’t even sneak away for a shower or clip my fingernails? Also, can I love her as much as I love Jay? Can I possibly love two that much? And even if I can, will have enough time and energy to give both of them what they need? Will I be angry with Jay for not giving me enough time with Ella? Will I be resentful of Ella because she is moving in on Jay’s turf? Will she feel alien to me? Will I love her and accept her right away? Will I be happy about having a second child? Will I be happy about having a daughter?
I thought I was ready. Getting pregnant was deliberate. We knew wanted more than one child, and we knew we wanted to have them when we were still young enough to do things with them. But now that I am in the home stretch, now I am suddenly not so sure. Maybe I am not ready. Maybe I will never be. Maybe one is enough. Jay is certainly hard work. It scares me to think about what we are in for. If she is just like her older brother, I may not sleep again for YEARS. This depresses me. Jay is two now and I still don’t get much time to myself. I fall dead asleep by the time I can get him to sleep- which is usually ten/ ten-thirty. That leaves precious little time for cleaning, reading, time alone with Chris, etc., let alone any time for myself. How is it going to work with two?
So, what if the answer to my question is, “No, I am not ready”? There is no going back now. There is no “I’ve changed my mind” option. No delete button. How do I get ready? What do I do to prepare myself for what’s up ahead? Is that possible?
Week 34
I am closing in on week 34, and I am sloooooooowing down. I am so tired. I get out of bed in the morning and after a shower I am ready to crawl right back into bed. Yesterday I was home on bed rest after having contractions for about two hours the night before. It freaked me out big time. At this point I would place bets on this baby coming early. I just hope not TOO early.
Week 35
At the end of this week, Ms. Ella’s lungs will be done developing. If she were born this week, she would be premature… but not unhealthy. C’mon Ella. Mama wants to sleep on her back again sometime soon.
Week 36
So, I have been very good so far during this pregnancy in terms of not being (too) preoccupied with the pregnancy. This last week though, it has been all labor and baby. It's all I can think about. All I can talk about. All I seem to care about. Poor Chris. He has been so patient, even reading the books out loud to me and listening while I read them to him (we finished Birthing From Within on the car ride to Lake Superior last weekend. We've since moved on to Ina May Gaskin’s book). He genuinely seems interested and not annoyed... yet. At some point it has got to get to him, though, I am sure. I can't imagine that anyone else is as riveted with talk of labor and birthing as I am right now.
The not knowingness of it all drives me crazy. Last time, I had a date. My c-section date was scheduled earlier than my due date, and so I wasn't thinking about it too much. I knew exactly when I would have a baby. Of course I went into labor even earlier, and that was great! I never wondered about when it would happen or what it would be like. Labor caught me by surprise and I didn't have much time to think about it. But now, I just don't know. Will it happen tonight? In three weeks? In six weeks? Will my water break first? Will I be at work? What will this labor feel like? How long will it last? Do these cramps I feel signal that labor is imminent or will this go on for weeks still? So many questions!
Each night I go to bed, I wonder if I will wake up in the middle of the night in labor. Each day I wake up and wonder if today will be the day. Then I surf the web looking for answers, as if Google has some window into my future. And I look through more birthing books and read up on exactly how long the baby is this week and decide that my pregnancy is too different from what the books describe to be very helpful.
I find it strange that I am more caught up in the labor aspect than the whole "bringing home a child" aspect of the upcoming adventure. What's up with that? Maybe because I have dealt with babies before? I sorta know what to expect? Is this selfish of me to only really wonder and be caught up in the idea of birthing rather than the idea of a baby? Do other women feel equal anticipation/nervousness/impatience about both or one more so than the other?
Of course I am eager to have our little Ella home as soon as possible. I am also crazy eager to stop working and be done being pregnant. I know I will look back fondly on being pregnant, as I did after Jay was born. But right now, this very moment, I am done, I am ready. Let's get this thing going!
Week 37
Ugh. I am so ready. This has to be the hardest week. Still two days until term, but ready enough to feel like I could go any minute. And man, oh, man, do I ever want to go. Tonight would be wonderful. I am actually writing up my leave notes right now, in the hopes that it will jump start labor. We had the carpets steam cleaned yesterday. It was so worth the money. I started nesting hard core Monday night, scrubbing finger prints off of doors, dusting, organizing, re-organizing. Then I stared at the floor and thought I'd lose my mind because there were so many stains and spots and oh my god, how can we bring a baby home to THIS? I had initially intended to rent a cleaner and do it myself, but I knew I wouldn't be up for it, and Chris' shoulder and elbows have been hurting him a lot lately, and plus, neither of us wanted to take on that much work, frankly. You know what? It was the best 100 bucks I've spent (ahem, charged) in a long time. I think we'll be doing this once a year. Wine spots? Gone! Smooshed raspberry? Gone? Dog pee? Gone! Gone! Gone!
While the carpets were being cleaned by not us (Wheee!), we went out in search of cushions for that new rocker. We went to six- count 'em SIX different places to find cushions, all to no avail. Target, Pier One Imports, Bed Bath and Beyond, Ashley Furniture, Menards, and yes, even Cracker Barrel, because they sell rocking chairs. Interestingly, Cracker Barrel was the ONLY place that even carried cushions at all. Unfortch they only had one color- Kelly green. No dice. I am slightly frantic at the moment, because I NEED CUSHIONS FOR THIS ROCKING CHAIR. Now. Oh, we even went to JoAnne Fabrics, thinking maybe we were up to buying all the material to make our own. Then we assessed how much work that would entail and quickly whisked Jay out of the store like it was cool. Hello, I have a baby to push out soon, maybe even tonight. I do not have time to sew my own freaking cushions. Why do these stores not share my sense of urgency? Bah!
Now we just have to get a set of drawers and the kid's closet organized. (Note to Ella: Don't be fooled. Mama would love to meet you tonight, even if the closet wasn't completely done).
And I wonder, how is life outside of my womb? Is there, like, news happening?
Week 38
Dear God,
If you let me go into labor today, I will never ever do anything bad again in my life, like eating Jay’s cookies and telling him I don’t know what happened to them or turning on the water in the shower and letting it run to “warm up” while I brush my teeth. I promise.
Love,
Me
Week 38 ends tomorrow, and I am so ready to be done being pregnant. Every day there is increased crampiness and heaviness in my belly and some days I feel so much pressure in my pelvis it feels like the baby is going to fall out. I thought (hoped) last night might be THE NIGHT, because I had cramps (contractions?) that were building up and then subsiding for about three or four hours at about six/seven/eight minutes apart. Then I had one and didn’t have another one for a while and just like that they were gone.
I am ready to be done being pregnant. I don’t quite know about the ready to be mom to a second little one. The thought sorta scares the heck out of me suddenly. Will I have enough time? Enough patience? Will I love them the same? Will I remember how to take care of a newborn? Will I be too cavalier about the whole thing? (Oh, SURE she can have ice cream, she is twelve days old now, you know.) Then I have these moments of eager anticipation, of holding a peaceful newborn in my arms and watching Jay grow up with a little sister. I think about how much fun it will be to have a little girl to put in dresses and wonder whether she will be like me and hate dresses, or if she will love to have her hair braided and fussed over. I think about how FAST the last two years have flown and how Jay is still a newborn to me sometimes. And realize that whether I relish it or am too busy to notice, Ella’s time as an infant will fly just as fast as Jay’s has.
And I know that sometime down the road I will look back fondly on this pregnancy and think of how wonderful it was, blah, blah, blah. Right now, though, living through it, it is not so much fun. My belly is in the way of everything, I am tired of lugging around the extra weight and feeling unwieldy and ungraceful and not being able to tie my shoes. And frankly, sometimes, I would just love to have a beer. Which is strange because even when I am not pregnant, I only like to drink about half a bottle of beer a month or so. But still. It’d be nice to have the ability to throw one back. Or go for a long run without feeling any contractions or worrying about finding a place to pee or getting overheated. Or having any toes hooked in my ribs.
So far, though, I have been really, really lucky. No health issues, no stretch marks, swelling, spider veins or freaky skin tags. I have been able to continue running, even increasing my mileage some weeks to above my usual 25 miles a week, though I am admittedly much slower. One of the best things about being 38 weeks pregnant is the ability to go out for a run with absolutely no pace or distance expectations. These days I can allow myself to just get out and have fun, and I give myself permission to stop whenever I want to and not worry about the pace I am keeping. It makes the whole run even more enjoyable knowing that I don’t have to put in a certain amount of miles a week or run a route faster than I did last time. In fact, I can expect to run the route slower each time, and that’s o.k.
While running has been regular, my moods have been anything but. I find there are times when I get really, really angry, for no reason, at no one in particular. Or times when I am just generally grumpy, but not necessary angry. And of course, Chris is always on the receiving end, though I try to keep my moods reigned in. Sometimes he genuinely does tick me off, but sometimes, he hasn’t done anything at all but exist in my presence. And that is enough.
Week 39
The final sprint to the finish line. I feel like I have turned a corner and now I can see that this pregnancy will indeed end at some point. My due date is just next week, and though I would much rather go into labor now, at least I feel like there is a tangible end in sight. My OB says she doesn’t like to have patients go past about forty-one and a half weeks, which means that even if I am overdue, I only have three more weeks at the most. This seems do-able. In the last few days I have become strangely at peace with letting nature take its course. I have occasional moments of eager anticipation and anxiousness to begin labor, but those are decreasing, and I am more filled with the feeling that Ella will greet the world on her own schedule and I am strangely o.k. with that. Maybe it is because three weeks at the maximum is do-able, whereas four or more weeks feels like an eternity. Maybe hormones are at work. Maybe I am finally realizing that not going early puts me more on target for missing this year’s conference in California for work, which I do not want to have to attend since I’ll have a newborn at home. And the longer I stay at work, the better financially we’ll be, because I will have to take out less in student loans to recover the loss of only working part time for the rest of the semester.
I had to laugh a little this weekend when at Devil’s Lake, as I was easing into the cool floaty-ness of the water, I noticed two teenage girls nearby. One was staring at me and then I heard her whisper to her companion, “That is soooooooo unattractive”. Granted most nine month pregnant women don’t dare don a bikini, but I am completely comfortable in one. I am comfortable with my body, pregnant or not, and I am not exactly scaring small children. Sure my belly juts out, but what exactly makes a pregnant belly unattractive? Is it our puritanical mores? Our sense that once knocked up, women should go into hiding? Pretend that no one else can see the watermelon under our shirts? Even on hot summer days when everybody else is enjoying a refreshing swim? Aren’t I even MORE entitled to these indulgences as provider of life to the species? Plus, I have gained a normal amount of weight and miraculously have not been marred by a single stretch mark or even the line nigra running down my belly. So sad that we think pregnant women should hide their form and betray the natural beauty that comes with pregnancy. What amused me is that someday, this girl will probably become pregnant herself. And then she will either: remember this moment and feel some shame, or she will suffer and force herself into uncomfortable clothes and hide her figure in mu-mus so that she can be “attractive” to others. Either way, I am sure her thinking will come back to haunt her. And in the mean time, I will continue to walk around in a bikini as it suits me.
I had some contractions early this morning that I thought for sure were the real deal. They woke me up at 2:30 a.m. and I stayed in a groggy half asleep state for a while, feeling them and wondering whether this was IT. Eventually I came around fully and as I did they started to subside. Once I started to pay attention to the clock they were gone completely. By then however, I was wide awake, my mind racing. Did I ever get that email sent off to so-and-so about the grant proposal? What is the least disruptive way to get Jay in the car? Should we change his diaper first or would that wake him up too much? How bad should the pain be before I call the doctor? What if the contractions start coming at two minutes apart right now? Does that ever happen? Would Chris know how to deliver a baby? Is Jay’s diaper bag packed? When should I call Becca? My new slippers haven’t arrived in the mail yet- will they be here in the morning in time for me to bring them to the hospital? Can I deliver this baby without my new sheepskin slippers to pace the hospital halls in?
After an eternity of this, but not another contraction, I got out of bed and paced a bit, stretched, had a banana, shushed Jay back to sleep, and finally, surfed the web. I read pregnancy message boards and checked my email and flitted about here and there online. Soon it was 5:30 and the sky was getting light. I crawled back into bed and snuggled against Chris who was probably planning on waking up soon himself. As I got comfortable, Jay woke up again and started crying. I went into his room. Half way out of bed and rubbing his eyes, and he asked, “Mama lay down neck to Jay?” I climbed in next to him and he put both arms around my neck and pulled me close. I breathed in his scent and rubbed his perfect chubby toddler legs. He was back asleep in seconds and so was I.
Maybe number two won’t be all that scary, afterall.
Me
Week 38 ends tomorrow, and I am so ready to be done being pregnant. Every day there is increased crampiness and heaviness in my belly and some days I feel so much pressure in my pelvis it feels like the baby is going to fall out. I thought (hoped) last night might be THE NIGHT, because I had cramps (contractions?) that were building up and then subsiding for about three or four hours at about six/seven/eight minutes apart. Then I had one and didn’t have another one for a while and just like that they were gone.
I am ready to be done being pregnant. I don’t quite know about the ready to be mom to a second little one. The thought sorta scares the heck out of me suddenly. Will I have enough time? Enough patience? Will I love them the same? Will I remember how to take care of a newborn? Will I be too cavalier about the whole thing? (Oh, SURE she can have ice cream, she is twelve days old now, you know.) Then I have these moments of eager anticipation, of holding a peaceful newborn in my arms and watching Jay grow up with a little sister. I think about how much fun it will be to have a little girl to put in dresses and wonder whether she will be like me and hate dresses, or if she will love to have her hair braided and fussed over. I think about how FAST the last two years have flown and how Jay is still a newborn to me sometimes. And realize that whether I relish it or am too busy to notice, Ella’s time as an infant will fly just as fast as Jay’s has.
And I know that sometime down the road I will look back fondly on this pregnancy and think of how wonderful it was, blah, blah, blah. Right now, though, living through it, it is not so much fun. My belly is in the way of everything, I am tired of lugging around the extra weight and feeling unwieldy and ungraceful and not being able to tie my shoes. And frankly, sometimes, I would just love to have a beer. Which is strange because even when I am not pregnant, I only like to drink about half a bottle of beer a month or so. But still. It’d be nice to have the ability to throw one back. Or go for a long run without feeling any contractions or worrying about finding a place to pee or getting overheated. Or having any toes hooked in my ribs.
So far, though, I have been really, really lucky. No health issues, no stretch marks, swelling, spider veins or freaky skin tags. I have been able to continue running, even increasing my mileage some weeks to above my usual 25 miles a week, though I am admittedly much slower. One of the best things about being 38 weeks pregnant is the ability to go out for a run with absolutely no pace or distance expectations. These days I can allow myself to just get out and have fun, and I give myself permission to stop whenever I want to and not worry about the pace I am keeping. It makes the whole run even more enjoyable knowing that I don’t have to put in a certain amount of miles a week or run a route faster than I did last time. In fact, I can expect to run the route slower each time, and that’s o.k.
While running has been regular, my moods have been anything but. I find there are times when I get really, really angry, for no reason, at no one in particular. Or times when I am just generally grumpy, but not necessary angry. And of course, Chris is always on the receiving end, though I try to keep my moods reigned in. Sometimes he genuinely does tick me off, but sometimes, he hasn’t done anything at all but exist in my presence. And that is enough.
Week 39
The final sprint to the finish line. I feel like I have turned a corner and now I can see that this pregnancy will indeed end at some point. My due date is just next week, and though I would much rather go into labor now, at least I feel like there is a tangible end in sight. My OB says she doesn’t like to have patients go past about forty-one and a half weeks, which means that even if I am overdue, I only have three more weeks at the most. This seems do-able. In the last few days I have become strangely at peace with letting nature take its course. I have occasional moments of eager anticipation and anxiousness to begin labor, but those are decreasing, and I am more filled with the feeling that Ella will greet the world on her own schedule and I am strangely o.k. with that. Maybe it is because three weeks at the maximum is do-able, whereas four or more weeks feels like an eternity. Maybe hormones are at work. Maybe I am finally realizing that not going early puts me more on target for missing this year’s conference in California for work, which I do not want to have to attend since I’ll have a newborn at home. And the longer I stay at work, the better financially we’ll be, because I will have to take out less in student loans to recover the loss of only working part time for the rest of the semester.
I had to laugh a little this weekend when at Devil’s Lake, as I was easing into the cool floaty-ness of the water, I noticed two teenage girls nearby. One was staring at me and then I heard her whisper to her companion, “That is soooooooo unattractive”. Granted most nine month pregnant women don’t dare don a bikini, but I am completely comfortable in one. I am comfortable with my body, pregnant or not, and I am not exactly scaring small children. Sure my belly juts out, but what exactly makes a pregnant belly unattractive? Is it our puritanical mores? Our sense that once knocked up, women should go into hiding? Pretend that no one else can see the watermelon under our shirts? Even on hot summer days when everybody else is enjoying a refreshing swim? Aren’t I even MORE entitled to these indulgences as provider of life to the species? Plus, I have gained a normal amount of weight and miraculously have not been marred by a single stretch mark or even the line nigra running down my belly. So sad that we think pregnant women should hide their form and betray the natural beauty that comes with pregnancy. What amused me is that someday, this girl will probably become pregnant herself. And then she will either: remember this moment and feel some shame, or she will suffer and force herself into uncomfortable clothes and hide her figure in mu-mus so that she can be “attractive” to others. Either way, I am sure her thinking will come back to haunt her. And in the mean time, I will continue to walk around in a bikini as it suits me.
I had some contractions early this morning that I thought for sure were the real deal. They woke me up at 2:30 a.m. and I stayed in a groggy half asleep state for a while, feeling them and wondering whether this was IT. Eventually I came around fully and as I did they started to subside. Once I started to pay attention to the clock they were gone completely. By then however, I was wide awake, my mind racing. Did I ever get that email sent off to so-and-so about the grant proposal? What is the least disruptive way to get Jay in the car? Should we change his diaper first or would that wake him up too much? How bad should the pain be before I call the doctor? What if the contractions start coming at two minutes apart right now? Does that ever happen? Would Chris know how to deliver a baby? Is Jay’s diaper bag packed? When should I call Becca? My new slippers haven’t arrived in the mail yet- will they be here in the morning in time for me to bring them to the hospital? Can I deliver this baby without my new sheepskin slippers to pace the hospital halls in?
After an eternity of this, but not another contraction, I got out of bed and paced a bit, stretched, had a banana, shushed Jay back to sleep, and finally, surfed the web. I read pregnancy message boards and checked my email and flitted about here and there online. Soon it was 5:30 and the sky was getting light. I crawled back into bed and snuggled against Chris who was probably planning on waking up soon himself. As I got comfortable, Jay woke up again and started crying. I went into his room. Half way out of bed and rubbing his eyes, and he asked, “Mama lay down neck to Jay?” I climbed in next to him and he put both arms around my neck and pulled me close. I breathed in his scent and rubbed his perfect chubby toddler legs. He was back asleep in seconds and so was I.
Maybe number two won’t be all that scary, afterall.
How perfect! Love the week by week! You are making me teary-eyed to meet little Ella roo!
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