Better Living Through Running

Someday I hope to be a better mother, a better spouse, a better citizen. Right now, though, I am afraid I am failing at all three of these things. My parents were in town this week. Rosie had surgery and they were here to help take care of her while she convalesced. And me? Hi Mom and Dad! Glad you’re here! Nevermind this small matter of Rosie having an organ removed. Could you watch my kids for me? Chris is feeling a little burned out and needs some time to himself. And I don’t have time for that shit.

So… work started this week, and I have never, ever been so stressed in my life. I feel as though I have just been swept up in a strong undercurrent and I am tumbling and rolling in the crashing waves as they sweep me along.

I just can’t seem to fix all the problems that keep popping up. I feel like the little Dutch boy with my fingers plugged into the holes of the dam, and I can’t keep up. There is so much work to do at the office that I can’t get it done, but I can’t not get it done because it involves keeping the entire organization afloat, and I can’t stay later because I don’t have the extra time to give, but even if I could, I couldn’t, because we don’t have the funds to pay me to do that, anyway. And if I lose my job because we go under, how are we going to make ends meet? And without insurance, what are we going to do? Shit, shit, shit.

And of course, there is the unrelenting backbreaking load of school work. There’s always school work. Every night when I get home Jay asks, “Mama have school work to do?”. Yes, I say. Because Mama always has school work to do. Because I suck. And I suck again. And I just keep sucking.

Today I made myself a cup of tea. As I waited for the water to heat up, the teapot started to scream. And I thought, me too. That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I am edgy. Impatient. Humorless. Screeching for no apparent reason. And doing my very best not to boil over, so help you god, do NOT make me boil over up in here or I will lose it on yo' ass. Er... see what I mean?

It's why I run. When I feel like I am about to reach that point, the point where I start to scream and steam shoots out of my ears and I am THIS CLOSE to boiling over, I throw on my running shoes and get the hell out of wherever I am. Because it’s about to get ugly. And I run. And run and run and run.

I run until my vision clears up, until I stop yelling in my head, until my chest heaves, my legs tremble and I am back under control. And through my breathlessness, I can breathe again. I am calm again. I am in control. And for one more day things fall into their proper place in my life, in the universe.

With six more months of school, I'm thinking I should buy stock in Saucony.