Yesterday, I found a lump behind my ear. It was a hard tender mass just in back of my earlobe, or maybe a little higher up. A cold, quiet, despair took over me as I realized the only thing it could be.
A brain tumor.
It had to be. I remembered the dizzy spell I had a few months ago, the one I “cured” with a peanut butter sandwich. I cursed myself for not taking that episode seriously and demanding immediate medical attention. Why hadn’t I taken that early warning sign seriously? Why, dammit, WHY??? I pondered what life would be like for Jay and Ella once I was gone and wondered who would show up to my funeral (by the way, you are so invited).
When Chris finally, for the love of GOD, came home, I insisted that he look at the lump and tell me… was it serious? How long did he think I had to live?
He shrugged.
Me: What is it? Is it… is it… a brain tumor?
Him: [Not so discreet eye roll] No, it’s not a brain tumor.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Because it’s not on your brain.
Me: How do you know?
Him: It's a little trick I call “anatomy”.
Then he suggested I try some Clearisil on my brain tumor.
I don’t know if I buy his “science”, but my brain tumor is going away a little bit. Maybe it is migrating to another part of my body, and I will have a brain tumor on my elbow next week. I’ll keep you posted.
Also, it turns out that my mom has had head cancer and found remarkable success with shampoo, and my sister, Kathy had leukemia. Twice. Both times she was able to make a full recovery with the help of air conditioning and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Things the pharmaceutical companies do not want you to know…
Update: My Week of Being Early
Day two and three of my Week of Being Early to Everything went well. Granted, that had everything to do with the fact that they were weekend days, but I rejoice in the small miracles.
True, I had nowhere to be or anything to get done. But had I needed to, I would have been early. Because, of course I would have.
Oh! Oh! I was early! I nuked my cup of coffee this afternoon, and it still had twelve seconds to go when I pulled it out. Hot damn. This being early for everything is cake.
I so totally rock.
Oh thank God for the internet! No longer do we have to jump to dreadful common diagnoses; now we can discover what new and novel diseases we have been afflicted with. I did some research and you have a malignant lipoma. I'm sorry to break it to you. . . can I have your ipod?
ReplyDeleteAlso, consider these possibilities:
ReplyDeleteneurofibromatosis-pheochromocytoma-duodenal carcinoid syndrome (malignant version)
peripheral neurofibromatosis (malignant version)
Recklinghusen's phakomatosis (malignant version)
Von Recklinghausen's neurofibromatosis(malignant version)
Sad. But on the upside, Chis is young and he can remarry.
I have also diagnosed myself with alien hand syndrome, blue skin disorder and fish odor syndrome. Damn it.
ReplyDeleteI used to get those damned head cancers all the time. Then I found the cure. Wine. Yup, just, over the counter (OTC), wine. Red or white, makes no difference. Just make sure that you get enough. I find that one bottle (750 ml) at supper will cure one head cancer.
ReplyDeleteOne time I had a head cancer in my right elbow, and a half bottle cured it. Be willing to experiment.
Dad, this makes sense, because my elbow is about half as pointy as my head, so half a bottle of wine seems appropriate for treating brain tumors there.
ReplyDelete