Ten things I can’t do

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for asking. Indeed, there are many things I can't do. Here is a list of ten things that I can not do:

1. I can not do anything requiring hand-eye coordination
2. I can not ever remember that word that means that Judgement Day has come and God took all the good people to heaven and left me behind to knit water bottle cozies. Resomething? Recaputure? Renouncement day? R… I don’t know.
3. I can not say a single foreign word without butchering it to little, tiny, incomprehensible pieces
4. I can not play a single music instrument (well)
5. I can not drive stick shift
6. I can not keep ferns alive
7. I can not pee standing up
8. I can not tell a joke without laughing so hard before I get to the punch line that I ruin the joke
9. I can not read a map
10. I can not raise one eyebrow suggestively like people do in the movies when they’re all, “Really?”

If you’d like more, call Chris. I’m betting his list for me will be much longer and will probably include things like:

1. Does not know how to take out the garbage
2. Can not recognize a full garbage can
3. Can not be convinced that its time to take out the garbage when you have to start piling things outside of the garbage can because nothing else can be jammed inside
4. Can not ever get us anywhere on time
5. Can not understand that getting somewhere on time involves leaving before it starts
6. Can not ever, ever, jesuschristhavemercy, pick up her wet towels
7. Can not stand being told what to do
8. Can not stand being hinted at what to do
9. Can not stand the approximate thought of someone telling her what to do
10. Can not stand the thought of someone thinking about telling her what to do
11. Can not finish a full cup of coffee, tea, bottle of soda or beer
12. Can not load half cups of coffee, tea, soda or beer into dishwasher.
13. Or even put them in the sink
14. Or even in the kitchen
15. Argh! OMFG this woman! Why? WHY??

Also, I can not do a cartwheel and I can not listen to Kenny G without retching.

There.