So THAT’s why I hate coffee so much

Today was my first trimmester screen and as the ultrasound tech pulled up the first image on the screen, suddenly the pregnancy became so totally, completely real to me. Sure, I’ve hated coffee for months. Sure, I’ve been so tired it felt like my body was pumping lead through its veins. Sure, I’ve felt queasy at the merest hint of most of my favorite foods and have had to undo the button of my jeans the last few days, but until today it seemed… I don’t know. Easy not to think about it in terms of a small person growing inside of my body. The blob I saw on the ultrasound five weeks ago was just that. A tiny, indiscernible blob. Is that its leg? An arm? The head? Oh, that’s my right ovary. It’s cute though, right?

This sonogram was indisputable proof that there is a living, growing, healthy, active little person inside of my belly with an actual forehead and fingers and elbows. All I could say was, “Wow.”

Wow.

I know I’ve been through this twice before, but every time, it’s always the same. Wow.

Really? We did that? We made that? We created this little person who is, right this very minute, mawing on his or her arm and hiccupping? Turning around and flipping upside down and pushing on the sides of my belly to stretch their legs? Wow.

It's just... Wow.

Jay and Ella are looking forward to their new sibling. Jay is hoping for, and is convinced it is, another sister. Ella is only convinced that if she looks hard enough into my belly button that she’ll see the baby.

It was too early to tell the gender and I am ambivalent about finding out the gender this time. On one hand, what does it matter? We’ll be delighted no matter what. And plus, surprises! Yay! On the other hand, the more we can tell Jay and Ella about their new little brother or sister, the better. Despite their seeming lack of interest at my last prenatal appointment when we listened to the heartbeat, they really are very interested in finding out everything they can about the baby. When is it coming? Does it poop inside of you? How does it breathe? When is it coming out? Will it hurt when it comes out? Will we get to hold it? When? When? When is it coming??? Will you nurse it? Can we pick out a toy for the new baby? Can it sleep in our room? Can we rub your tired, sore, aching feet while you relax from a hard day at work, Mama? (I may have just imagined that last question.)

This week has been hard. Losing Tabasco was incredibly hard. It was fun to feel a smile take over my face and my heart lighten when I saw the images of our newest little one. Welcome! We can’t wait to meet you! And please end the coffee aversion soon.