Reasons why I haven’t written a blog post in nine days:

• I have been busy peeing. No, really. Forget what those lying prenatal books tell you about how “in the second trimester, the frequency of urination will subside, as the uterus moves higher into the blah, blah, blah.” I pee all the time. It’s what I do. It’s my new hobby. It’s my defining characteristic. So shove it, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. You lie.



• I have also been busy drinking coffee, now that coffee and I are madly in love with each other again. We’ve decided never, ever to fight again. I love coffee and it loves me. Me and coffee, coffee and me, together forever. I know that it totally treated me like crap for a while, but it said it was sorry and would never do it again, and I believe it because it loves me, and someday soon, we are going to run away together and have coffee babies and, and, and… What’s that you say? Coffee is a diuretic? A diuretwho? Hold on to that thought. I have to pee. I'll be right back.



• But really, my smart phone is to blame. I can access all of my friend’s blogs, read the news, check the weather, and lurk on Facebook without ever logging onto a computer with an actual keyboard. This is all well and fine, except that I need an actual keyboard to write blog posts. But now that I can check everyone’s blog while in line at the grocery store, pumping gas, and peeing (oh come on, like you wouldn’t), I don’t feel a real need to boot up one of those archaic machines called a “laptop.” I mean, I have to wait like three or four MINUTES to access the internet once I hit the power button on one of those things. What the hell, man?

Also, friends with blogs. I have been meaning to tell you that you are not updating your blogs nearly often enough. Now that I can check your blog while in line at the grocery store, pumping gas and peeing (oh come ON, you know you would, too) I have decided that your meager three or four updates a week are not enough. Get on the ball, people. I am waiting to be entertained.

And now, I have to pee.