Do people survive having a two year old and a newborn at the same time? We are having such behavior problems with Jay these days. It is part classic terrible twos and part acting out because life as he knows it is different, but the combination means that power struggles are a daily occurrence right now.
Jay won’t let Chris do anything for him when I am around, so either I must bathe him, feed him, diaper and dress him, put him down for a nap, read him stories and play with him, or Chris can try and we can brace ourselves for an immediate meltdown. Apparently, Daddy is just fine for these tasks when I am not around, but becomes utterly incompetent the minute I walk in the door. What this means is that I must then juggle a nursing infant and a demanding toddler and somehow also find time to do things like… oh, pee. Then I only have to hold Ella, because Jay will happily occupy himself with destroying everything under the bathroom sink for the 24 seconds it takes for me to finish up.
A large stress factor currently is that with all of the upheaval lately in his little world, Jay has been acting out a lot. Which means that he has been sent to his room a lot. Mostly by Chris, because even though I know he needs it, I am too much of a softy and tend to let most things go. He pushes his limits, and to keep the peace, I allow the limits to stretch a little further. Not Chris. In fact, if anything, recognizing Jay’s need for firm limits and discipline at this stage, Chris has been breaking harder on him, sending him to his room a lot more often than before. But when Jay is in his room sobbing and yelling frantically, “Mommy, Mommy! Please let Jay out! Mommy, open the door!” My heart shatters into a million pieces, and I find myself in tears, too. And all I can think, is “God, Daddy is such a JERK”.
After what feels like an eternity, but is actually only two minutes, Chris opens the door and kneels down and calmly asks Jay if he is ready to come out and stop doing whatever it is he was doing. His tears dry up and he is a happy kid, clearly not scarred from the experience, and he is actually well behaved (for a while).
I’ll be honest. I have a fear of discipline. I worry that I won’t be able to walk the line between what is necessary and what is overboard. I think because my parents so rarely had to use it on me, I never got a good sense of what was normal. All I ever needed as a kid was a harsh look or at most, a raised voice. That was enough to send me into a blubbering, sobbing, inconsolable mess. Chris, on the other hand, apparently needed much more than that. And much more often. What would have been necessary for him would have been borderline abusive for me. Also, I really, REALLY do not want to be the bad guy.
But, when Jay screeches at the top of his lungs and runs down the hallway banging his toy cars on the wall and then starts yanking Kodiak’s tail and yelling “RUN, KODI, RUN!” so that he can be pulled along behind him, and I am busy cleaning up the fifth spill of the morning and Jesus, why can’t he just STOP BREAKING SHIT, my discipline cache of disapproving looks and a raised voice just don’t seem to cut it. In fact, sometimes even when Chris gets in his face to get his attention, Jay gives that, “I can hear you, but I am not really listening” look, complete with unrecognizing grin and far away look in his eyes.
So. So we have been putting him into his room for two minutes at a time, as necessary. And almost every time he goes in there, you can bet on me shedding as many tears as he does. It kills me. What kills me even more is that we need to do it so often. Why can’t he stop shaking the Pack and Play? Stop swinging the baby swing into wall? Why does he refuse to listen to us? Where did he get the crack from?
Any suggestions from anyone on how to handle this phase?
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