I will never ever, ever, ever say anything affirmatively ever again.

After this.

Yesterday, feeling the perpetual parental guilt of knowing that everything I’m doing is wrong and also SCREWING MY KIDS UP FOREVER, I came to terms with my double standard version of sexism. I decided the best course of action was to become fervently anti-sexist. I swore to myself I would take every opportunity to play up how ridiculous gender roles really are. I would become that mom who gave her son a baby doll and led the nation through a gender stereotype revolution.

I was dedicated to the cause. I had an action plan. I had the outfit picked out for my interview on 60 Minutes.

It was a busy six or seven minutes.

At lunch time Chris brought the kids into the office for Ella’s nursing break. I announced that we HAD to buy Jay a baby doll. This very minute, actually. Come on, pack up, we’re heading out to the toy store to break down gender roles. Chop, chop and all.

Chris looked skeptical. "Jay already has so many toys," he protested.

He needs one! I insisted. He loves baby dolls and we’ve never given him one! We’re not doing our part to turn the patriarchal paradigm on its head and stuff! I’ve been a sexist! I directed Chris to my blog (which he never reads, by the way, so I could say really mean things about him on here and he would never know) to read the day’s post.

He shrugged.

Me: See? He needs a baby doll.
Him: I guess if you really want him to have one.
Me: Great! Let’s go. We’ll go on my lunch break! I can be there to help him pick it out!
Him: Do you want to ask Jay? Kids can be pretty capricious, and I think he just wanted a doll because Ella got one.
Me: Ask him? [eye roll] Why? Of course he wants a doll. He told us last night.
Him:
Me: Fine. Watch this. Jay? Jay, honey? Daddy and I would like to take you to the toy store to buy a baby doll. Would you like that?
Jay: Yay! The toy store! So I can play with trains!
Me: Um, no, honey. So we can buy you a BABY DOLL. Remember how much you want a baby doll?
Jay: No, I don’t. I want to play with trains.
Me: [stunned silence]
Jay: Trains! Yay! Let’s go!
Me: [Quieter now] But you said you wanted a baby doll… Remember? Don’t you want a baby doll, honey?
Jay: No. I already have a blanky. That’s like a baby doll. But I would like to go to the toy store to play with trains! Can we go now? Can we?

[I look to Chris for help, but he has suddenly become very interested in his cuticles and is not making eye contact]

Bottom line: No baby doll, no down with the man, no iconoclasting. What I did learn from this experience is that:

1. If I know something, I am probably wrong about it.
2. Declaring something publicly is probably the best indication that I am actually wrong about it.
3. I’m probably not screwing everything up.
4. Wait, yes I am.
5. Jay loves other kid’s baby dolls, but isn’t ready to settle down with his own baby doll just yet.
6. If Ella had been snuggling an old muddy boot, Jay would probably have wanted that, too.