Dear Facebook,
Thanks for plunging my productivity to nearly zero. I did not need to see a picture of the centipede in a water glass posted by my co-worker (mostly because this was MY water glass, and having nearly drunk the cockeyed beast this morning, I did not need to relive the experience on Facebook. But I did. I do not know why). I did not need to know what my friend’s daughter ate for breakfast yesterday. And yet… I do. Like trying to pry my eyes off of a car accident on the side of the highway, I find myself spending hours visiting folks I barely know to look at their pictures and get their status updates.
It would be great if you could set some sort of alarm for folks like me. Something that acts as a reminder and goes off every two minutes. It could say something like, “Get back to work! You don’t know this person! Stop being creepy!”
In fact, you know what Facebook? I believe the global economic meltdown is actually your fault. Countless loan officers, who should have been analyzing their client’s credit history, were actually cruising your site and updating their status. When pushed against a deadline they were like, “Eh, those folks seem nice enough. I’m sure they’ll pay back everything,” approved the loan, and turned back to photos of their second cousin’s bachelor party pub crawl.
Listen, Facebook. We’ve had some good times. You’re great for keeping in touch with people who I don’t regularly check in with. But, you and me, we need some apart time. I mean, when you’re at work with me, I just can’t get anything done. I need some time to sort out my thoughts. Please don’t make this any harder on me. We can still be friends.
I’ll find you on Facebook.
Love,
Me
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