You know what I hate?

You know what I hate? I hate when intermittent bloggers post apologies for not blogging more, as in, “Dear adoring audience, I am sorry I haven’t posted much lately, I have been really busy/sitting on the couch/recovering from Gonorrhea. I solemnly promise to write more often from now on, blah, blah, blah.” And then you look over the last several posts and they are ALL apology posts about being an errant blogger (with or without Gonorrhea)?

Don’t worry. You won’t get that from me. An apology. Not Gonorrhea. You won’t get an apology from me. But you won’t get Gonorrhea from me, either. I don’t even have Gonorrhea. And I don’t just mean right now. Like, I’ve never had that. You know, this paragraph isn’t going so well for me. Let’s start again.

For starters, an apology is a lame way to start a post after going days or weeks or months (fine. Fine. Years.) without a substantive post. Usually, no one wants to read an apology. And by no one, I mean me. They want to read something funny or interesting or insightful. Witty posts. And they want you to get back into the saddle and write already because it has been too damn long. They want to know how you have been and if you have anything to make fun of yourself about. Also, they want it in two paragraphs or less because there are other good blogs out there for God’s sake and who has time for this shit, really, because their boss is walking down the hall and they need to minimize this screen and pull up Excel, like right NOW?

Since I am already over my two paragraph quota I’ll keep going, because if you’re reading now, you’ll likely hang on a bit longer. Also, your boss must be out of the office today. So here’s the truth. Blogging is easy when times are good. Blogging is less easy when you are unemployed and spend most of your time alternately looking for a job, freaking out about what you’ll do if you don’t have a job, and then berating yourself for not finding a job.

This was much of 2013 for me. Anxiety, despair, rejection. Rinse and repeat. After several years of running the State Environmental Leadership Program, we decided to transition the organization to a non-staffed network, and I provided the transitional leadership necessary to ensure the organization a smooth landing (you see what I did there? I successfully avoided the phrase “we shut down while I was at the helm.” Months of resume and cover letter writing right there, folks. Months.) The decision came out of a variety of factors: changing technology, generational differences in decisions to become (or not) a member of something, an altered funding landscape, and others, which led us to the admission that it was time to wind down operations as a stand-alone organization.

We decided to close up shop in a deliberate and controlled way, and I even wrote up a small book (a glorified pamphlet, really, let’s not get too excited, here) about it for our members and funders. I was proud. But also, unemployed.

Unemployment is worst, I think, in January. January’s dark and cold days fed my self-pity and though I stayed remarkably busy cleaning out closets and reorganizing the utensil drawers, I didn’t feel much like blogging. In the early part of this year, each rejection letter served to solidify my own low opinion of myself and it was easy to feel discouraged, even though I put on a cheerful face to friends and family. I tried to see the good side of unemployment, like how I suddenly had plenty of time to exercise! And knit! But the reality is that with three kids, it was stressful. And even more than it being financially stressful, it was stressful for my ego. Yes, my ego.

What I learned earlier this year was how closely my sense of self worth was tied to my accomplishments. What my title was. What I got done that day. How others viewed me. It became nerve racking to get rejection letters, or worse, no acknowledgment at all from places I had written a top-notch cover letter to and had been secure in the knowledge that I was the perfect candidate. The perfect candidate. (Seriously, General Motors? Did you not even READ my resume? You chose Mary T. Barra over me? What does she have that I don’t have, except maybe a desire to work there and 33 years of experience with the company? Lame. )

Then in late winter we lost two people of significance in quick succession: our close friend, Julio Parra, and Chris’ aunt, Joy Hewitt. Then I really didn’t feel like blogging. Words weren’t coming to me and I was caught between thinking that I should blog something about them to honor them and feeling not ready to share my raw feelings. Yet pictures of my kids and the usual fluff I post seemed incredibly inappropriate. So I remained on the blogging sidelines.

In the early spring, I began juggling consulting work and then landed a job in June doing some of the same work I did at SELP, helping to build capacity in the environmental movement. It felt lovely to have an office to come into and office mates to joke with again, but something inside of me had shifted. Being unemployed had raised some questions that I never had had to ask myself, like what *should* I base my self-worth on? What are my life goals, really? And when does the Ellen show come on?

As we are coming up on the year mark of closing SELP down, and I have fully processed the shut down and have come out stronger for it, I am happier now than I was a year ago. I can’t promise that I’ll post on a regular schedule, but I can say that I haven’t abandon my blog and that I have rediscovered my love of writing and with it, my sense of humor. But because I am fully aware that not everyone shares my sense of humor, maybe I should apologize in advance for that.