SUBURBIA, USA- Supermom, age unknown, passed away in her sleep on December 16, 2013. Actually, she didn’t so much pass away, as much as she was strangled by millions of bitter mothers who were sick of her bullshit. She was conceived in the feminist movement, the love child of IfYouTryHardEnough (Father) and YouCanHaveItAll (Mother). She graduated with top honors from high school and always had catchy, coordinated outfits and great hair, even during finals. She graduated magna cum laude from college (Ivy League, no doubt) and though she went to all the social functions, played flute and ran track, she consistently managed to get her assignments in on time while volunteering to tutor others and plan Homecoming.
She married a nice guy from a wealthy family in an ostentatious ceremony which featured her tan shoulders, dazzling smile, and a ridiculously large wedding ring. Nice Guy appeared intermittently on social media in the background of pictures posted of their attractive kids playing with handcrafted and fair-trade wooden spoons from Kenya or wherever. She was witty, stunning, engaging, never bitchy, and always on time. She never left half-full coffee cups on the counter or wet boots by the front door. She did not have flabby knees.
She enjoyed a successful and high-powered career but miraculously always had time for healthy home cooked meals, crafty projects with her kids, triathalon training and completing the New York Times crossword puzzle. She never forgot the punch line to jokes, never had visible panty lines or bad breath and always gave the perfect gift. She could speak knowledgeably about current events and was an expert on Byzantine ceramics (Is that a real thing? Hold on. We're googling it right now. Yes. Yes, it is.) She never raised her voice and never once wished that her kids would just go away for a few hours so she could catch up on The Walking Dead or just stare at a blank wall, godDAMNit. She made family photobooks at the end of every year (Every. Year.) and always volunteered to drive the carpool. She loved shopping for local, organic produce at the Farmers Market, baking healthy treats for her kid’s school functions, and volunteering to help others. But most of all, she loved making other moms feel subpar on Pinterest.
She is survived by her two children, Anxiety and Angst, her decent-looking but nameless husband known to the blogosphere as "DH", all 3,694 of her Facebook frenemies, whom will no longer receive a hand-written gloaty Christmas card and tins of gluten-free homemade cookies. (Thank God. Seriously. ) In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the family, to help pay for her children’s future therapy bills.
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