Worm Tea Frequently Asked Questions

I brought worm tea into the office today, and offered it up to my co-workers. This caused mass confusion because apparently, these folks do not know about worm tea, like I do. After many (and by many, I mean at least two) uncertain email responses to my magnanimous offer, I wrote up a FAQ sheet for Worm Tea, because I am sure many people commonly find themselves in this exact situation.

Worm Tea Frequently Asked Questions 

Can you drink it? 
It is for your plants, but hey. I won’t stop you. I will, however, take pictures of you drinking it and post them on Facebook. Then my gardener friends and I will make snarky comments about the episode and it will probably go viral. You might make it onto the Today show, though, which would be cool. Would you still remember us when you are famous? This is something you’ll have to think about. Fame changes people.

Worms are gross.
That is not a question. You can tell because it does not end with a question mark. Nice try. 

How much should I put on my plants? 
Listen, I can’t solve all of your problems. Give them a little bit and ask them if they’d like some more. If they don’t respond, it’s probably because they hate you. Have you ever tried talking to them before? No? Exactly. You’ll need to start rebuilding that relationship on your own. Worm tea is a nice start.

I thought this was tea. Why does it taste so bad? 
Seriously?

Where did it come from? 
The worms in my laundry room made it. They are kind of our pets, but also, kind of our slaves. They work long hours for low pay and no benefits. But then, they also get free room and board and are encouraged to reproduce like mad, so it’s really a win for them. If it helps, you can think of them in little Geisha outfits, pouring the tea into tiny cups, but worm Geishas aren’t really my thing, and besides, what kind of a sick fuck are you? Worm Geishas? You should be on some kind of registry.

Is worm tea really that good? Because I just Googled it, and this site I was on says that it can be harmful to your plants. Why are you trying to kill my plants?  Shouldn't you also call it "Plant poison?"
Hey, passive-aggressive FAQ-asker. Simmer down. I don’t want to kill your plants, and you don’t have to partake of my worm tea if you don’t want to. But that website you were on maaaaaaay have been sponsored by MiracleGro. Just saying. Besides, I Googled it too, and that site was way too bossy with its “directions” about how to make "actual" worm tea, and how it is different from leachate, which is probably technically what I have and that what I am using is probably killing my plants and… oh shit.

Hey guys. I have to go. Also, you should probably not give that stuff to your plants anymore. Why are you trying to kill your plants? I am going to quietly pour the rest of this down the drain, and you should follow suit.  Let's never speak of this again.